Don't do the same as they do...

by Annie Nimous
(California)

At first I thought my bf was the abusive one. Now by going on different sites, I'm realizing that I am also perpetrating the abuse.

It wasn't like that at first. He is much older (over 35) and I am 10 years younger. When we first met things went well but I should have PAID ATTENTION TO THE RED FLAGS.

He would have outbursts of rage and start yelling when things didn't go his way. Due to my lack of self-esteem and back bone, I put up with it and brushed it under the rug.

He would often get angry and blame me for it; such as him being tired or spending a lot of money - mind you I supported my self and often would go Dutch.

When I would disagree, he would make a big deal of it and turn it into a huge fight. He would disagree with me, even when I would compromise and agree with him, and then deny what he was doing.

He would put me down about my appearance. I didn't dress up like a slut, but I was in my mid 20's and if I wore something "Cute," he would make me change and expect me to dress "Sophisticated," which actually made me look like a grandmother.

He would talk to me like as if I were a child. One time a friend invited us to a party. He couldn't go because he had his daughter. He forbade me from going and threatened to break up if I attended. I wasn't allowed to go out with my friends at night and had to stay home. He was always accusing me of cheating on him and talking to other people.

He controlled how I spent my money and demanded we have joint accounts (even before moving in together). He forbade me to keep a bank account which I had opened since the age of 14. In short he was manipulative.

I lost my self being with him. Alienated friends, and thus making him my only friend.

Four years have passed. We own a home together and we're up in the air about continuing with the relationship. The problem is that because he has hurt me over the years, I held it in, got fed up. Instead of leaving, I started treating him the same way, just to make him feel what he has made me feel over the years. I say hurtful things and indirectly put him down just because he has put me down the day before.

Because of his callous ways, I began to doubt my self and then doubt him and suspect him of cheating. I began going through his personal things looking for something to point out. That does not make my actions right either. I am no better than he is because I have chosen to stay in the relationship and have treated him the same way he has treated me. This has actually escalated many arguments and made matters worse.

We have agreed on counseling and if he does not comply with attending the sessions, I will have to make the heart breaking decision of letting the relationship go.

My experience of abuse is VERY minor compared to the other individuals who have posted their story on this site. I am still damaged in some way. No one deserves to be beaten – I am not condoning that at all. No one deserves to be abused in any way either.

What I'm trying to say is that it's important for people to see who they truly are as INDIVIDUALS. I wish it would be easy to recognize the red flags before real damage occurs.

For those who feel stuck because of economic reasons or because they have children, please know help is out there. There are women’s centers, hot lines, family or neighbors. If it’s an economic issue, don’t be afraid to be on your own. It’s work but not impossible. There are resources out there to for assistance.

Being on your own will actually make you stronger and make you feel 100 times better than when you did when you were suppressed.