drained and scared

by carmel
(melbourne)

When I first met my partner, he had not had a drink for a year. Soon he began to drink again and the ritual of drinking early in the morning and throughout the day escalated to the point that he would hurt himself and become incomprehensible on a regular basis.

If I complained that I could not understand what he was saying, he would become angry and abrupt. Phone calls late at night shifted from general talk about the day to him attacking me or wanting to vent about people or situations that had enraged him during the day.

If I removed myself while he was raging, I would be attacked for not communicating. He has had a string of bad relationships and constantly berates women or blames them if they are the victim of rape or domestic violence. There is constant coercion for me to spice things up in bed and dress and behave more like the porn stars he likes to watch.

If I try to suggest a new activity to get us out of the house, I am attacked for being controlling. Recently when we were ordering take away food, he glared at me and insisted that I "shut the f#@k up". When I explained that I refused to be cursed at and was going home after dropping him off, he went into a tirade about how his ex-wife used to try to control him and didn't allow him to make all the big decisions himself. His general sentiment is that all women are manipulative psychos who can't be trusted.


His rage and sudden mood swings are terrifying, and his constant nit-picking and put-downs leave me stunned, scared, numb and drained. If I try to discuss my feelings his general response is "to toughen up princess".

This is a relatively new relationship and instead of feeling happy, I feel tired, drained and tentative about continuing to date him. He is charming in front of my friends, can be interesting and attentive, and reverts to being generous and affectionate the moment I assert myself and threaten to pull away. Far from feeling secure, I have been reminded that he does not care whether he is in a relationship or not and would be just as happy by himself masturbating over porn.

A part of me feels guilty for not staying round as he is often great company and may be going through a rough patch. But overall if this is the honeymoon period, I dread to think of how ugly things may become.

I am tired of meeting men who have had a bad childhood or prior relationship and yet appear incapable of recognizing how they carry the resentment and anger into their current relationships. Right now being single appears a far more appealing safe and productive option.