He Found Me and I Lost Myself

by Teresa Faye Jackson
(Lexington, KY)

I never knew that I would be in this situation. But...here I am, in a Domestic Violence Shelter with a great Program for women who have suffered every kind of abuse; which is why I am here, myself.

I am trying to regain my sanity and to find "ME"! I didn't know who I was anymore! The person I was almost four years ago disappeared when I met this man. I fell in love, he fell in love with the fact that he could take my life and do as he pleased. He used me to have his needs fulfilled, promises were made that were broken over and over.

I did everything for this man and his boys. I gave them respect, and the respect I got back was, well.... You see I have been cursed by one son while Dad allowed it; filthy talking all the time (which they did not do in front of their Mom), smoking in the house - when not allowed at their Mom's house (I have allergies).

So, like father, like son - Dad didn't care either way. Everything was funny until something happened to him or his family but ...not interested in my children or family; very self-centered, cocky and selfish man.

The constant mind-games/mental abuse after all these years piled up, and I could not do anything but...be controlled in everything I did. Life was miserable because that was the way he always felt, and that is the way he made my life. You know what they say: "Misery loves company"!

Torment, tears everyday of my life and the nights worse than that. He never held me when I cried, no touching or kissing. He always told me to find a man; he never wanted to have sex with me. He always was on the computer trying to find women, always putting me down. I was his "Cinderella" to clean, cook and do his laundry.

He knew I loved him, and he played with my emotions everyday. He even bought me a car, because he owed me money but...he kept it. Just like the cell phone but...he gave it to his son, that moved in with us.

The day that I knew I had had enough was when he called me the c--- word. Then that week after, he sat one of my chairs out in the yard and gave me a f------ hour to have my stuff out. All because I did not want to go fish, but...lay in the sun. So he threw a fit, called me names, cursing and screaming the whole time. The whole neighborhood could hear him. That is when I left - in an ambulance from my neighbors house, with a seizure from all the stress of the relationship with this "Man" that could not love me back.


He blames me for leaving. But...that is what he has always done. He never takes the blame for hurting me, making me walk to church, leaving me in the driveway when I had a seizure while he went in the house, turned the lights out and the neighbors took me to the hospital where I spent the night. He blames me for being here in a safe place, using and abusing my heart, mind, body and soul. He has no remorse, or shows no shame because he has no love or pain for hurting me at all.

I told him: "I forgive You for everything that you have done to me." But...he says, I brought it on myself for everything that he done to me! I also ask, "WHY - did you always ask to marry me, knowing you didn't mean anything by it. You only hurt me, kept me believing in empty lies," empty promises that he knew he was not going to keep, keeping me around, then throw me out when he needed his space. That was about eight times in the time we have been together.

Yeah, I loved this man but...he is more in love with himself. He is a very selfish man, unlike any man I have ever known. He really put a spell on me and I do not know how I could have been so taken in but...I was and I did!

I left NOT because I didn't love this man but... because - "I DID" and "I DO" LOVE THIS MAN! Also...he didn't and couldn't love me! If he had loved me, he would not have done these things to me - "love is not suppose to hurt!" Plus - I wouldn't be where I am, if he loved me even as a friend.

Dear Teresa,

One can only admire your courage in finally leaving this abusive man. Please make good use of whatever counseling services the shelter has so that you can continue to make good choices.

The Couples Guide