He Seemed So Normal, and So Perfect
by Mariah Murray
(Wellsville, Utah, U.S.)
When I was 17, I dated a guy named Kyle who was also 17. He was the first guy I ever really liked and I fell head over heels. He was funny and seemed perfectly normal. After only knowing each other for two days, we were going out. A week later he proposed to me. It kind of seemed strange that he was rushing things so fast, but I pushed these thoughts aside.
I began spending more time with him and was becoming isolated from my friends and family. Kyle made me feel guilty for doing things or spending time with anyone but him. He had a really rough childhood and I thought I could save him. I tried so hard to make him happy but it seemed like I was always doing something wrong. He had a way of twisting everything around so that it was my fault, and I believed him. I began feeling more and more depressed. I tried to get out of the relationship several times but every time I did, Kyle threatened to kill or cut himself. Once he banged his head against a brick wall, and another time he actually cut himself in front of me. I was terrified that he was going to kill himself so I stayed with him.
He was the leader of a group called Juggalos. Juggalos don't consider themselves a gang. They don't beat up innocent people, but they will beat you up if you threaten their friends or family. A small gang threatened Kyle's brother so he and some of his Juggalo friends met to have a fight. The leader of the gang found out about me and told Kyle everything that he was going to do to me. Kyle freaked out and beat the crap out of him, but he didn't stop there. The guy was on his knees, begging for his life and Kyle pulled out a knife and killed him. I felt responsible for his death and was becoming afraid of him.
He was very jealous and possessive of me. He became very angry if I talked to a guy or if another guy looked and me the ?wrong? way. There was a guy who was giving me a hard time; it wasn't that big of a deal. He told me that he wanted to squeeze his throat between his hands and watch the life drain out of his eyes. This scared me more than anything else that he had said.
Kyle kept pressuring me to have sex but I told him I wanted to wait until I was married. He continued to pressure me and one day he raped me. He didn't hold me down or anything, he just kind of ignored me when I told him to slow down and that he was going too fast. I told my parents that we had sex (not that he raped me) and they made me break up with him.
I had grown further and further away from my parents and I felt like they didn't love me anymore. I was so sad and so alone, and I didnt even have Kyle anymore. At 7:00 that night I went to our medicine cabinet and took about fifty pills, most of them extra strength Tylenol. I went to bed thinking the pills would kill me. Around 11:00 I was so pissed because I was still alive. I decided to hang myself on our clothes line pole with our dogs leash. I snuck out my window but my dog was out there. I didn't want her to see me so I tried to get her inside, but she wouldn't. I decided to see Kyle one last time before I killed myself. I walked seven miles barefooted along a highway before the police took me to the hospital. When I arrived at the hospital the doctor gave me an IV because too much Tylenol can cause liver failure. A few days later my parents found me a therapist but it didn't help. I attempted suicide several more times and started cutting. I started taking anti-depressants and that helped a ton.
About a month later I found out that Kyle was sent to a mental hospital because he is schizophrenic. I'm not really sure if he meant to act the way he did.
I am doing a lot better but I still have nightmares and am afraid he will show up at my door. There's a sick part of me that still wants to be with him. I am trying to cope with what happened and I hope I can use my experience to help others who have gone through similar stuff as I have.
