I didnt see it

I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 5. We have 2 bio kids and are raising his son. Our relationship has mostly been unhappy and has definitely been a roller coaster ride.

It started out physically abusive but the state pressed charges against him. He never apologized, just complained that even with a broken leg, I didn't go to jail to see him......I still stayed.

That scared him and he no longer put his hands on me, so I thought he changed. We got married and had another baby. He has embarrassed me, put me down, used ways to control me. But I never thought it was emotional/mental abuse until my mother found out about these things, and begged me to go to the House of Ruth (a place for abused women and children) website and read the mental abuse signs. I started crying and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess I have been brainwashed, I don't know. It never occurred to me until now that this could be mental abuse.

Here are some things I have endured over the years:
We were arguing, I wanted to leave, he got mad threw clean dishes on the floor and would not allow me to leave until I cleaned up the dishes.

He embarrasses me in front of people by the things he says, as in he tells people I can't have sex because I have my period, complains that I never give him sex (when in reality I usually give him sex whenever he wants so he doesn't holler and yell where my kids can hear about our sex life).

He tells me I have no money management skills, opened up his own checking acct that I have no access to, and told me I must directly deposit my check into his acct since he pays the bills. I refused. So he insists on needing his name on my checking acct because he pays the bills. But if I have access to his, he knows I will somehow take his money. I work full time and he has my check planned out until I have very little money and then he complains, accusing me of blowing my money. He tells everyone I have a spending problem.

He expects the house to be perfect all the time. I have asked him to help and it turns into an argument and his responses usually are "you have the boobs, it is your job" and "these are things you have always done, why should they change now".

Recently my brother went to Afghanistan, and this is something I struggled with a lot. Instead of being emotionally supportive to me, my husband continuously said "this was his choice, you have no reason to be upset when he wanted to go. So stop crying." So after that I just started hiding when I cry.

One day he got mad because he ordered takeout to be delivered to us and it was 9pm and I refused to go get him ice cream. I had worked all day and I was tired. Well, he took the leftover sandwich I had not eaten and smashed it in my face. He told me he wanted to make sure my ungrateful a** ate it all.


He told me another time he knows I need more work clothes, and would take me shopping. I was excited. We get to the mall and he put down my weight (which is funny because everyone else tells me how pretty I am but he makes me feel nasty looking) and finally told me that if I don't agree to get the clothes he picks out for me, then I won't be allowed to buy anything.

My mom always asks for me and my daughter to have a girls lunch date, but my husband gets mad so I make excuses. Once I called home; he had the kids but I ran to the store with my mom (which he was far from happy about) and I asked him if he minded if I went to lunch with my mom, his response was "you should know by now after all these years to not even ask me that".

I no longer speak to any of my friends. I have one friend I talk to and she is a wife of someone my husband knows and that he approves of. But that is it.

To him, everything is my fault. Its hard to explain. If we argue about something that he did that upset me, it is my fault he reacted that way. Like if we argue about the household chores, it is my fault because I should just be doing them. Its really weird to explain. He plays word games too and when I get mad because he keeps bouncing back and forth in a conversation to get a reaction out of me. He will then start mocking me and calling me psycho.

Those are just a handful of things that have happened over the past 11 yrs. There are so many more. Point is, I feel stuck in a sense. I have help. I have a place to go. But even though I realize my marriage is not a good one and everyone (including a few of his family members) tell me I need to get out), I feel this strong hold here. I can't even explain it. I don't want to be here anymore but yet I can't leave.

So I am in the process of finding a therapist to help me regain my self esteem and my independent thinking like I once had. I have been broken down and I feel like nothing and I have no clue how this happened. I was not this person before I met him.