lost and confused

by Ali
(Illinois, USA)

I've been with my boyfriend on and off for 5 years. In the beginning things were great and we were with each other 24/7. We became a drug-addicted couple and couldn't stay off the drugs which caused me to get into a lot of debt and to lose jobs. We were homeless together and living out of my car 3 different times in our relationship. I've been beat by him and let it go every time because he always said he didn't mean to do it I just made him so angry.

Recently he doesn't hit me anymore; he will choke me out now. I have feared for my life more than one time. We have a 2 year old son together and it makes it even harder to leave him.

At this time he is living with another girl and they are engaged. But he makes it impossible for me to move on. Its the worst feeling in the world.

He is on my phone plan and he will track me on his cell phone to see where I'm at. He gets my password to my facebook and checks to make sure I don't add any new guys. Any guy I do talk to, he screws it up for me by contacting him and telling him lies or just makes it to where the guy doesn't want to deal with the drama.

I am no longer on drugs but the girl he is with gives him whatever he wants, and this includes the drugs. I can't break free and I'm stuck in a place that I can't move away from. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, but I'm afraid of what he will do if I don't stay in the situation.

I love him but I don't know if I am in love with him anymore. After all of the money and heartache that we have been through, I don't know how much more I can take and I'm afraid that it will be a life or death situation at this point. I have had an order of protection put on him and it did nothing.