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Lost Trust

by Yadira Davila
(Dallas, Tx)

We have been together for nearly 3years. We were opposites and completely infatuated with each other. Unfortunately a year-and-a-half later, i made the horrible decision to cheat on him. i ended up having sex a guy i knew i had no business being with. He found out after several months and all trust was gone.

For the past 8 months, i have tried all i could to try to regain our relationship back to what it was, knowing it was going to be an impossible. He questions me, disrespects me, and constantly embarrasses me in front of his friends, family any audience who is near. He insults me and makes me chase him.

I have lost all self respect for myself, for not only the guilt of cheating on him, but being constantly reminded of it every time he gets the chance to. i know i messed up and i know he is hurt but i don't know how long i can deal with it anymore. Its draining me, the constant emotional abuse. I've hardly talked to any of my guy friends hoping he would notice. In fact, i gave him my password to all my accounts online, and i even allow him to go threw my phone records as needed because i feel maybe we can start fresh. But even than i can't manage to do anything right.

I don't know where to turn to. i fear things will get worse and eventually i will get physically hurt. Please help.




Comments for
Lost Trust

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Jul 15, 2011
 Broken and almost done
by: Anonymous

Married for 15 years and found out my husband had cheated on me. This during a time where his job has been causing a lot of stress. He used to need me and my attention. Since he started in this new position, it has gone to his head and he has pushed me to the back burner.

I forgave him for what he did, and my main concern now is that he will do it again while traveling, and that he has put his job and coworkers ahead of me. My thoughts, feelings and concerns don't matter. He makes decisions without discussing them with me, and makes promises to me that he continues to break.

We have been fighting about this daily. We are in therapy and I had my first visit with his therapist today. She pretty much told me I was driving him away, and that he makes promises just because it's what I want to hear at the time so we will stop fighting because of me and my questions. I was floored that she was actually justifying his lies and broken promises.

I look at marriage as one and working as partners, and that your job does not come before your god or spouse; that since I have been betrayed by him several times, that as the betrayed spouse, I have a right to ask questions or ask him not to travel so much or to ask him not to work with the company slut that he told me he was sexually attracted to.

The therapist pretty much told me that I have issues that I need treatment on, and that we need couples therapy or we are done. I asked her about the other stuff. She said I was being unrealistic, and pretty much gave the green light for him to lie and break his promises because I ask to much.

Is this normal?

Dear Anonymous,

I'm a little floored myself at your therapist's suggestion, and I'm hoping you misinterpreted them.

If that's not the case, then you should consider finding another therapist who is more balanced in his/her approach. In marriage therapy, it is essential that a counselor not take sides, and hold each partner responsible to his/her actions.

The American Association of Marriage and Faamily Therapists (AAMFT) has a website to locate marriage therapists in your area who have been specifically trained in this work. It is www.therapistlocator.net. Give it a try.

Gene Kayser
The Marriage Guide
May 11, 2011
 Make a decision . . .
by: Anonymous

I am sooo very sorry you made a bad, foolish decision when you cheated. Now, as you say ALL TRUST IS LOST. Your honey is understandably hurt, angry and mistrustful therefore, you are feeling the backlash for your earlier foolishness.

I'd say at this point in time, YOU NEED TO LET GO and accept your loss (having a happy, SAFE relationship with your love). Seems you have given all you can and now, the ball is really in his court.

You can do no more, and the fact that he thinks you are "groveling" so to speak to gain his love and trust back, coupled with his personal emotional hurt-is a no win situation.

Either he needs to decide to forgive or not forgive , one or the other. He will not really have this opportunity unless you respectfully tell him you will accept your losses and understand his hurt and anger, however, things are just not working and tell him you will move on.

He will do one of two things, get scared and realize how much you still mean to him and stop his tormenting and love you again working to heal your injured relationship. Or, he will accept your departure and both your lives will continue separately. Let this experience be a life lesson. Learn from it.
Good luck to you both.

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