NON-PERSON

by C.
(Pennsylvania)

I feel like a non-person in my husbands life. He is 33 years old, I am 35. He would rather spend his days with his buddies than he would with me. I look forward to seeing him, talking to him, having dinner, breakfast whatever....I just want to be able to talk again. He'd rather text his buddy or sit on his poker game, watch basketball if he is home. He seems to always need to be entertained...ALWAYS. He is never just satisfied spending time in our home, having a nice conversation.


He tries to handle me all the time....for instance his friend is having a Superbowl party.....he obviously wants to go do the man hang out....so instead of talking to me about it, he hits me with what's your friend doing for Superbowl? That makes me feel like a thing, not a person, that needs to be dropped off somewhere so he can feel free to do as he pleases. He never asked what I wanted to do for Superbowl. I was never even a thought. It hurts deeply and it's hard to not become defensive or enraged because I am a person and I should matter.

I try to approach him calmly because I really hate fighting....but he pushes buttons that just make my blood boil....for instance I can say "hey babe, can you explain something to me....why didn't you ask me what I wanted to do for superbowl?" He starts out with the run....instantly there's something in the other room....avoidance....then there's the whole thing of sighing and rolling eyes and he always finds something to do. If he does sit down, he puts the TV on so I never have his full attention. At this point, I either give up and cry because it hurts to never see him actually want to hear my side, or I blow up because it has been building and I have had enough and I feel like I should matter more.

I am frustrated with him. I start my days making him breakfast and I put my heart into it because I want him to enjoy it, be happy...start his day out right...you know I figure maybe his day will go right for him with a good start. I clean the house and this may sound funny but it's a way I show my love. Everything I do, I do for us. It comes from my heart, but he doesn't seem to appreciate or care about it.

I am feeling like a non person and I am now questioning....does this man love me at all?

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Feb 13, 2011
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You Are Worthy
by: Anonymous

Dear C,

Perhaps you are being just too nice? Perhaps you are being more his mother than his partner?

Sometimes we as women, being the more nurturing of the species try showing our guy how much we love him by being overly agreeable and pleasing because we believe he'll see how easy we are to be around, etc. and therefore, love us back.

Somewhere along the way we forgot our own lives and who we once were-his equal. He doesn't want a puppy dog waiting for his approval as her master. As weird as it sounds, he WANTS TO RESPECT and VALUE YOU. You just need to:

Value yourself first and see your worth, it is only then that he will see it too. Good luck to you! REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

Feb 06, 2011
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Sounds More LIke A Non-Marriage
by: The Couples Guide

Dear C.... It sounds like you're married to someone who is a non-husband and that you have fallen into the caretaker role. If you asked him if he still loves you, would he nod while continuing to watch the game? Or would he take a moment and really address your question?

My guess is the game would win out (and not only on Superbowl Sunday). So if you are truly dissatisfied with the way your marriage is going, you are going to have to confront him with your discontent.

It's so easy for all of us to fall into lazy behaviors. But if we want to remain in a relationship that not just one of convenience, then we need emotional connection and emotional intimacy. That involves focusing on each other during the times when the TV is off, and you are alone with each other.

It's going to be hard to do this on your own; couples counseling would definitely help. Given the choice between changing things or losing you, I would hope that he loves and values you enough to put some effort into your marriage.

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