Not a question anymore.of do I want to leave... it's a question of when.

by Tori
(Az)

I've been in a relationship for 8 years. I met this man when I was 20 at a job I had. He is 10 yrs older than me and already had 4 kids with another woman. He has never married me. Though he says he wants to. There are so many things wrong with my situation from the get-go, I'm very embarrassed. The answer to my problem is clear but I feel like getting the outside opinion of those who are not involved will help me go through with it.


To start with, he abandoned his first children. I accepted his excuses. (The mother was a psycho, a liar and a user, all poor reasons to abandon all contact with your children especially if true) He entangled me into a Web of finances. We quit our jobs and moved in after only dating for a few months. (I was left a physically abusive drug addiction foretard him) Started an eBay bus in essence and have lived worked and breathed in the same space 24/7 for almost the entire 8 yrs. Not to mention that we are currently in a lot of debt (mostly in my name) and he hasn't had a driver's license since I met him because he hardly ever pays child support.

6 years in, I let myself get pregnant and now we have a daughter who is my world. He has physically and mentally intimidated me for years (mostly mentally but he has put his hands on me a few times). I am not one to take that lightly and I found myself trying g to hit him right back. It's a mess. To put it lightly.

He's done all the typical things an abuser does... isolated me. Controlled me. Etc.

My problem is this... I know I need to leave. If for no other reason because I'm cracking under the constant pressure and my daughter doesn't deserve that. She deserves so much more. And I find myself wanting to knock his teeth down his throat because everything he does is infuriating and a lie.

But I can't seem to make it happen. I live 2000+ away from my own family. (All his family is around us and they either don't believe me and think I'm the problem or don't care enough to help)

My father has offered many times to drive out to me and help me. But I'm terrified I can't make it on my own with a child. I will be starting from square one as I only own half of our business and that half is basically debt.

I'm fighting the act of leaving because... well it's going to be ugly. He saying tried everything to keep me here, from sobbing to threatening to take me to court so I can't leave the state with my daughter and return to my family who will help me start over. My father has even offered to get me a lawyer. If that happens... but I'm terrified anyway.

I only have a little money. I'm not in immediate danger. Do I take my dad up on his offer and go now? Or do I try to save more and leave. I have a place to go if I leave... (my parents) but I've been on my own for 10 years and the prospect is very demoralizing. I keep thinking I should stay and try to do this or that (save money, square away little things etc) but every time I consciously decide to leave it's like he can see right through me. He knows. He doesn't beat me but he makes it hell being stuck in the house with him trying to square things away and he won't go away himself and let me get it done.

Someone please tell me what I am telling myself. I desperately need to hear it.

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Aug 31, 2016
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by: Your Couples Guide

Dear Tori. You are quite right: You are with an abusive and irresponsible man, one who has even abandoned his children. And you know what to do: Leave. You're not married, so legally there is little the man can do.

Take your father up on his offer, and let him help you plan how to leave with a minimum of danger. It's hard to return home after being away for so many years, but that will be better than raising your daughter in a situation that teaches her that such a relationship is normal.

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