The Devil Himself

by Any girl
(USA)

My dad abandoned my family when I was 15. The same year, I started dating the Devil. He called himself the Devil, and let me know on multiple occasions he thought that he was the Devil himself. I agree.

I thought he was confident. It was actually a mask for insecurity. His insecurities stemmed from his dad abandoning his family when he was 2. They also stemmed from many other things, but this was one of them.

I thought he was kind, but this was just an act to get what he wanted. He was actually a complete sociopath and psychopath. When I was 15 I didn't know what that was, but I'm sure glad I know now.

We dated for 3 years. He hit me about 5 times throughout our relationship, usually slaps when he was blackout drunk. We would break up, then he would come around again with some big apology, and I would take him back because I was weak.

I never wanted to marry him, but he wanted me. He wanted to own me, he wanted me as his pet. When I would do something he didn't like, he would scream. He was so emotionally abusive I started counting his insults. He would constantly call me stupid. In fact, I'm currently getting my masters degree in a health related field from a top 10 university and he dropped out of college.

He was resentful of my friends, my family, and my upbringing. He was wealthy, attractive, smart, funny, and personable but he always felt insecure, and always let it show. He ruined his potential.

I found out after our relationship that he cheated on me the whole time. I'm not surprised. I overlooked so many signs of cheating because I didn't want to accept them.

Our relationship ended when he dropped out of college, wrecked his car drunk, and called me from a bar in a college town to tell me it was "over" (and it was just for the night, of course, while he no doubt cheated on me). A few weeks later, I granted him the same courtesy and called him drunk from a college party, told him it was over, and made out with one of my friends.

That night I stayed at my friend's house. Even though nothing happened, we still slept in the same bed. That morning I woke up to the Devil bursting into my friend's apartment, punching my friend in the face, and dragging me out to his car where he shoved my face so hard it gave me a fat lip and nosebleed. He had driven up to my college, and had been looking for me for hours. He had even wrecked his new $50,000 car on the way since he drove through an ice storm.

The next 2 months I stayed true to breaking up with him. We were intimate once (out of weakness), and then he raped me. I kept telling him "no" and he still took advantage of me, while I cried the whole time. I never reported it because the system is broken and most girls are simply accused of lying. Rape is extremely hard to prove when you're in a relationship and there are no physical signs of struggle.

After he raped me, we cut off all contact. 3 weeks later he showed up in my college town and asked me to come talk to him. He had been harassing the guy that I had a crush on, who I had only kissed at that point. He drove me around for a while ranting about the fact that I was moving on too quickly. When I told him I would never marry him or have his children because he was psychotic and I would never give my children his genes, he calmly drove me to a secluded area.

He pulled out a cord and began choking me. I looked into the Devil's eyes with disbelief: his eyes were murderous. I immediately knew he was trying to kill me and tried to exit the car. He was 6'4'' 180 lbs and I am 5'5'' 125 lbs, so he caught me just as I was exiting the car.

He got behind me and tightened the cord. I looked up at the sun through the trees on that beautiful Saturday morning and knew my life was ending. I thought about my mother and my brother, and the last thing I asked was for God's help.

The next thing I knew I asked if I was dead, and a deep man's voice told me that I wasn't. Later I found out that this conversation did not actually happen with the Devil. It was all in my head, or in heaven, or in space, or whatever you want to believe. I believe it was God.

After I was told I wasn't dead, I began to see again. Becoming conscious after being choked unconscious is like when you stand up too fast and see stars. I began breathing, and the Devil said "Oh my god, you're alive". I felt the same way. He said "How can that be? I just saw you die. I choked you until you were blue, you took 2 gasps, and stopped breathing. Then I kissed you. Then I picked up your limp body and put you in the car". He was driving somewhere to deposit my body. I was laying all the way down in his backseat where he had "stashed" my body.

I was bloody and bleeding all over from trying to escape out of the car earlier. I had urinated on myself right before I had lost consciousness; apparently this is common when being choked. The blood vessels in my eyes had popped so the white parts of my eyes were completely red. My vocal chords had been damaged so I could barely speak. But all I could think about was getting out alive.

I immediately knew I needed to go to my home where my family lived. This was 3 hours away, and was his home too. So I asked him to drive me back to our home town. He obliged, I think out of shock. The entire ride he was driving 100 miles an hour and threatening to crash the car into the center median and kill us both. He informed me he had a gun in the car and wanted to go to a field to kill me and bury me. Then he switched and asked if I would kill him.

My parents had been calling nonstop because I had missed a lunch with my cousin who was in my college town for only a few hours. I would never do that regularly, so they knew something was wrong. The Devil had thrown my phone on the other side of the car, but we could hear it ringing off the hook.

I convinced him that if I didn't answer the phone, that my parents would call the police and would probably figure out that I was with him, and they knew his car's make and model. Since it was a very noticeable car, he let me talk to them with the rule that I only say "yes or no" so they wouldn't figure out what had happened.

I answered my mom's phone call and just said "hello". From my hoarse voice, and the adrenaline, and her being a great mother, she immediately asked me if I was on drugs. I said "no". Then she asked what was wrong. I said "no". Then she asked if I was hurt. I said "yes". Then she told me to hold on while she got my father on the phone.

He immediately asked if I was with the Devil and I said "yes". He asked if I was hurt and if he had a gun and I said "yes". He asked if he was driving erratically, and if I thought the Devil would crash the car if the police tried to pull us over. I said "yes". Then he asked if I could convince the Devil to bring me back to my house, and my step-dad would be waiting there with a gun. I said "yes".

I quickly decided on this plan: I told the Devil that I wanted to get back together. I even went so far as to let him caress and kiss me as proof that I wasn't going to harbor any resentment. I asked him to drop me off at my parent's house so I could get a change of clothes and I would stay the weekend with him. He took me back there, and when we got there, my step-dad was waiting with a gun. My step dad got him to leave without any violence.

We immediately filed a police report. The Devil was on the run for 3 weeks before he was caught. He was put in jail for 3 years before trial. The trial SUCKED, but was totally worth it. I hated testifying but it felt good in a way. He was eventually convicted of assault.

Some of my take-home lessons:

1) Heed warning signs. Physical abuse and emotional abuse are unacceptable. You do not deserve it. No human being does. You will not fix him. Do not feel guilty for not fixing him. Only he can fix himself. This was my problem, I kept thinking "I can't leave him now, look how bad his life is! I'm all he has!" FALSE! If you are relating to this, you are probably dating a psycho, and he does not care about you because he is incapable of caring for anyone other than himself. You are his pawn.

2) Don't be too scared to leave. Death would be better than living your life with someone abusive. You will scar your children if you stay with him. The Devil had an abusive father, and if his mother had left him earlier, the Devil may have turned out a normal guy. It may be really hard on you, and you may think you'll never get anyone else. Being alone is better than being with a psycho. LEAVE HIM.

3) Your family will get you through anything. Whether your "family" is a bunch of friends or actually your blood, if you have a good support system you can get through literally anything. Do not believe you are too weak to leave him. Do not lie to your family about the emotional and physical abuse. Tell people the truth and they will help you leave him. They will also help you stay away.

4) Leave him the right way. I don't know the right way, obviously it was not my way. But look it up! Don't be somewhere secluded, for instance.

5) Equip yourself with knowledge. You can get through anything if you understand it fully. For instance, google search "signs of abuse" or "healthy relationship quiz" or "ways to leave an abusive relationship", or even "women's shelter counselor". Learn all the signs, and then have all the skills and tools you'll need to leave. If you share your computer with him, clear your browser history after each time you search.

The Devil now lives in another state and is being accused of rape. I think back to when he raped me, and feel guilty for not prosecuting. I have seen him once by accident; he cried and apologized. I didn't care. He will always be the Devil, but luckily God prevails. I believe it with my whole heart.