To be or not to be....happy, in love, married or just mentally insane!

by Julie
(alabama)

To be or not to be is more than one question.

Years ago, at 15 years of age, my former high school sweetheart was the love of my life for the first 3 months. Then...things or should I say he, changed! For 3 yrs we would love each other, fuss, fight, make up and then repeat! It was a never ending cycle.

It became worse as time passed. More beatings, name calling, the threats of killing himself after he abused me. So my escape from him was my secret flings that made me feel secure and safe. So I thought; but in reality I was running from the real problem but never got anywhere.

A few months before I decided 3 yrs of abuse was enough, I cheated on him with his friend for whatever reason. I guess I hated him that bad that is was my revenge that I had control over.

It went the wrong way though. My "boyfriend" had been looking for me the whole night! He had even came to my parents house, climbed in my room waiting for me to return. Luckily I didn't, so he left. However, he did drive up on us on my way home. Flagged us down. So I made his friend stop cause I knew he wouldn't. Well he dragged me out by my hair and threw me in his car. We went to an area that was wooded, then it was a nightmare!

He was cussing & hitting me, then he raped me. While he raped me, he beat my head into the glass window of the car. You can only imagine the screams and tears. Afterward he threatened to kill himself, so I told him it was OK. I justified his actions because of my wrong. The only wrong in it was me saying it was OK! Some would have said I brought it upon my self because of my flings but the beatings started 2 yrs before the flings.

I remember some nights while we were riding around, it would be so bad that I actually would open the car door and jump out to keep from being punched in the head and face. I figured my chances of survival would be higher if I jumped and hit the road.

Other times he would choke me to the point I would stop breathing and pass out. I couldn't ask questions. I couldn't voice my opinion. I had to be neutral or give him sex for there to be peace. I finally got the courage to leave when he found someone else he "loved." Oh I forgot to mention he had been cheating the whole time too!

I'll be 32 this year and I still think about him every day for reasons which lead me to my next story. I met my husband before I started dating my high school BF. My husband and I were best friends; so nice and sweet he was. We lost touch for awhile: he had his romance; I had my "tough love". After all the torment and I got myself together, we hooked up when I was 18. It was great! I got pregnant, oh so excited. But.. while I was carrying, he cheated on me. The one he cheated on me with ended up pregnant but they had an abortion. He promised he left her alone then I find out he lied. I was upset, crying. Then I yelled at him. That's when he pushed me into the wall and cut my face. Then it was "I'm sorry I'll never do it again." He promised cause he knew what I been in before.

Well...that lasted for only a few months. He kept seeing this girl. I kept telling myself he'll change and I wanted it to work cause we had a child and to be honest I didn't want to hear "I told you so" from my family.


I'll try and sum this up short. I caught him having sex (Yes I seen it with my eyes) with a different girl! I was so stupid for staying but I did, and I got pregnant again! Weeks later I had a miscarriage. Not long after, I find out that the girl that had the abortion was pregnant again too! Yep you guessed it. I stayed and his violence got worse. The lies got longer and the daughter is 8 now. We have two boys 3 yrs & 12 yrs old.

I stayed cause I was scared & still am. We have been together 14 yrs and only been married for 1 yr. I have had every reason in the world to leave. Do I think he changed? Yeah he did, now he's more controlling than ever! I can't wear shorts unless he's around, can't cut my hair without his permission, can't go to the store without the kids. I can't make eye contact with men even when my job requires it (I manage a business in sales so its important to do that), can't wear my hair down unless he's around, or can't go work out at a gym!

Once I was too skinny, too tan. Now it's too fat, too pale, I need to dress better or I dress to nice to go places, can't wear make up to work, pants too tight, can't voice my opinion that he feels is being smart or he'll get mad and black out, throw things at me. He keeps his fist balled up all the time when he starts to get frustrated. Calls me stupid or the "B" word. Tells me I get on his nerves. Gets mad if i don't have sex with him every night or go 2 or 3 days in between.

We stay up all night fussing until I'm so feed up I'll convince myself its all my fault and give into him. Then he's fine until the next month. We go back to the same thing every month. He hardly takes me out to eat in public. He goes with his friends in town to eat out or go to a bar from time to time. But when I ask, he say's he hates the public or he's tired. I can't take the kids places without him saying "go ahead, it's whatever. I don't care but...I tell you what...blah blah blah!
So I don't go.

I don't know what to do. Every time I've tried to leave or he puts me out until he's calm, he tells me I better leave the kids cause I'm not getting them. So I stay cause I'll never leave my babies. He knows that so he uses it against me. He's good to the kids, that one thing positive.

So now my question is: to be or not be married, happy, in love, seeking counsel for our relationship. On this last note he finally asked me to marry him because I told him I was tired of being a milk maid. I wanted to make it right and if he couldn't do that then I was leaving. He poured his heart out crying, praying I'd stay and called his dad. So I knew he meant it (his father's a preacher). Things are great for a while, then his temper starts out of control again. Did I mention he hears voices telling him to do evil things right before he blacks out. So I'm terrified.

I'm not perfect and I get attitudes which I know is because of all the stress and things left unresolved from one physical abusive relationship of the past to a more mental abusive semi-physical abusive relationship now.

I know there's a problem. I've made the first step - acknowledgment! Now its finding the courage to do the next!