Toxic Relationship?

by Fysher girl
(Wisconsin)

I met my boyfriend at work about 7 years ago. We were both in relationships and were just friends for a while. But then we ended up starting to feel a lot more for each other and couldn't deny the chemistry.

It was a bumpy road in the beginning because we both had loose ends to tie up. But we managed to keep each other close. I should have realized from the very beginning tho that he was a controlling person. He used my emotions from the very start to bring me up and put me down. I've never been this vulnerable woman that I am today. I never took any crap from anyone in previous relationships. At the first sign of distress, I was gone. But this time it was different. I couldn't imagine myself without him regardless of the strife I had been through loving him.

Let me add that when our relationship is good, it's REALLY good. We have passion that I never knew possible. We share a lot of interests and do so much together. He really has made me the happiest I've ever been.........And the most miserable I have ever been.

Unfortunately, these days the bad definitely outshines the good. I won't go into too much detail, but it is a constant struggle to get anything positive from him anymore. And now I am the most angry, bitter person because of where my life is.

He has the worst temper and has caused so many brutal fights because he can't control himself, which in turn makes me aggressive like I've never been before. We fight (YELL) on a regular basis, and it is this reason that he brings out the worst in me everyday.

His sister made the comment last night that our relationship was "toxic" because she has witnessed many many of our fights. It was a real eye opener. I've never viewed it as such but she was absolutely right.

I need help. I wish I could just walk away from this but it is the strongest love that I have ever known.

How do I do it?? How do I determine if it is worth fighting for? I don't know if I have any fight left in me.

Comments for Toxic Relationship?

Click here to add your own comments

Apr 22, 2016
Toxicity Brings Out the Worst in Me
by: Anonymous

Hello everyone! I am pretty sure all (or almost all) of the commenters in this forum are women. If there are a few men, I apologize. I do not think women are the only ones that go through this. I am in my 40's, married for the first time. My wife has been married before. We met as friends then married later. We have been married for only under two years. Things were not bad when we were dating and planning the wedding. I did see some red flags that I should have paid attention to then but didn't. I would call her on the phone on my way home from work, and she would just be short in her answers to me (one or two work answers). There were MANY times before getting married that there was a lot of dead silence on the phone as I drove home. But, there was only a few things then, but there are many things now that are an issue.

There are many times where I would simply ask a simple question like "did you see (blank) while you were in town" or "how was this or that while you were out?" More times than not I get short, snide remarks like "I wasn't over that part of town" or "I don't know I didn't talk to so and so because I was doing my own thing." Other times I would offer a suggestion to something she said or was doing at the time, and she would say things like "I got this" or "no that won't work because (blank)" even before I could finish my comment. I would tell her about some things I have experienced and have done for years, but it feels like she is trying to one-up me with something that sounds better or like her experience is better than what I have gone through. All these types of conversations have started to bring out the worst in me. I have not cursed since 1997, but after six months of marriage, I curse almost daily because I am tired of the condescending remarks and down-talk. I can see if I tried to tell her what to do or yelled at her any or all the time. I don't do those things.

Her granddaughter has really taken to me. She is a cutie! We play with any and all of her toys. She misses me when I am not around a lot. I work a lot and also have other things to tend to like care for my elderly mother. She has taken to me and that make me smile. My goddaughter is the same way with me. I am great with kids even though I do not have my own. A lot of time when we have her granddaughter, she tried to micro-manage me with her. If I am trying to play with her with something that is like a puzzle, I try to ask her questions to make her think, but my wife will constantly talk in the background telling me she knows how to do this or that. I know she is very bright, but I want to see if she can do it without help. That and many similar situations like that happen all the time when we have her.

Like I said before, these things have started and continue to bring out the worst in me. However, it also is affecting me at work. I fly off the handle over things that did not get me wound up before. Even my best friend and accountability partner told me that I am not myself anymore and that I have even let go of things that I once held onto like interests and activities.

When I am home by myself, I think about my reactions and how I have felt and acted since all of this and it discourages me greatly. I know that I am not the person I was a few years ago. I asked her if she wanted to go to counseling, and she said no. She will not consider it...never! I can counsel with someone, but if I am the only one adjusting to the situations or trying on one end to work thing out, it all would seem futile. One detail to mention is that her and I have hardly anything in common. I think we shared a physical attraction that we tried to justify into other things in our relationship. The rest is history....

I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I pray to God on what I should do...keep trying or end things to move on and heal and regain what I once was as a person. I also want to say that if I knew if things were this toxic before the wedding, I would have called the whole thing off and ate the financial cost over the cost I am paying now with my heart.

Thank you, all, for reading! And thank you all for sharing your stories that helped me to share mine today. God bless you all!

Oct 17, 2015
Toxic
by: Anonymous

I too are in a toxic relationship. My thoughts they all are narcissist.

Oct 03, 2015
Toxic?
by: Anonymous

PRAY, God hears and sees everything. I was in this kind of relationship. sometimes you don't understand that your reactions to this also cause the other person to feel the exact way you feel, so you do it to each other.

Sometimes one person is willing to change. don't be so quick to let your emotions take over whether you feel the best you've ever felt or the worst. Sometimes people need a wake up call. the man or woman will just take the toxic relationship and start a new toxic relationship.

If you really care, try to help. that way things get better for this relationship or for the next. at least you know you tried everything before you gave up. none of us are perfect but if we let God live through us, we can touch so many lives

Sep 06, 2015
It's tough
by: Anonymous

Sometimes saying "to leave" this toxic relationship is easier said than done. I say this because it makes it a lot harder when children are involved.

Don't know what to do. I myself am 100% tempted to leave my husband and move out but I can't leave my children nor can I Afford to support them if I took them with me.

May 19, 2015
I have a love hate relationship
by: Anonymous

He: rude. snarky. walks away while I'm speaking. stonewalls.says its me being picky about everything. i should deal with my abusive childhood with the abusers. never hugs me when under stress & calls me a MILF while prepping me to have sex....after 21 years .... this guy is still immature!

Mar 02, 2014
This thread is eye opening
by: Anonymous

I just had to break it off with someone who has been displaying these exact same traits. I was giving 95%, and the 5% I got was pure negativity. He resents the hell out of me for finally putting my foot down.

It was one the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I can feel myself becoming a stronger person because of it.

Apr 07, 2013
Toxic relationship
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your post. You opened my eyes. I am in the toxic relationship. It kills me and makes me a bad person. I need to get out of this. I need to be strong enough. Can I.....???? Do I love myself enough to get out????

Dec 25, 2012
Toxic Relationship
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your comments. I have been in a toxic relationship almost six years. I too felt that it was a rough start but I kept overlooking things that I know I would have never overlooked before. He would always make unkind remarks about me, my weight, my clothes, my hair and a list of other things. Although I would say that he hurt me, he would always reply that he was just kidding. His favorite line was you need to get worried when I stop teasing you. Really. On the other hand, we had so much fun together, the passion he seemed to have for me made me want to love him more. But once I got to where I believed our relationship was going to last, he would make a cutting comment, turn a discussion upside down and start blaming me for the problem or drag a situation we had in the past and present it as if it just happened.

All these things, I took and should not have. I would hurt on the inside and before I knew it I was a bitter, on-the-edge lady who had been turned for good to bad over time. I believe I lost a piece of me and prayed to God to help me get out. This is not love and the passion was not true love because love does not hurt like that. Love is kind, and gentle and understanding and respectful, and why I allowed myself to forget all that with this guy is beyond me.

If anyone reading this is in a similar situation, please love yourself more and leave this toxic scene and drama. I know you do not want to be alone or lonely, but if you really think about it you are alone - each time those cutting words, icy stares and totally insane misunderstandings happen, it drives you further apart and opens you up to more of the same toxic behavior. It will be difficult, but please do it for you because you are much better than that.

Jul 15, 2011
Dead on - right to the point
by: Anonymous

Youngest described my marriage of 15 years and it's getting worse every day. But I can't bring myself to leave because I love him. He has really turned on me for his job...success has taken him over.

I cannot find a good therapist that can direct our roles as husband and wife, and how we should react to certain things. He has also cheated on me and been physical.... People ask why do I stay.... all I can say is I love him.

Dear Anonymous,

In order to find a good therapist, check out http://www.therapistlocator.net, which is run by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. They can provide you with a local therapist who has expertise in this area.

It also sounds as if you could use some individual therapy to find out why you are still with this man. There are a number of directories on the net, such as www.psychologytoday.com that can suggest counselors for you.

Gene Kayser
The Marriage Guide


Apr 28, 2011
Same Here
by: Anonymous

Sweetheart,

I know exactly what you're going through. I also met my boyfriend at work, 2 years ago, and I have to say EXACTLY the same thing has happened to me: most chemistry, happiest, saddest and god, do I YELL!

I can honestly say, I see myself slowly going down the road to weakness and bitterness. He can ignore me when he's mad and all I do is wait for his call. It always seems as though when something offends or upsets him, he will make me out to be the worst person- tell me what I think, why I think it, if I am a liar or how I have manipulated something.

Never before in my life has someone who loved me called me a manipulator or been able to make me feel as lonely as he has made me feel; not saying I haven't been hurt, because we all have been (I have had someone turn their back on me after I had asked them to move in with me after years of dating), but when he hurts me, he cuts me to the bone.

Needless to say, my family dislikes him greatly because when we first dated, he was rather outlandish, opinionated and loud and my family doesn't like that; I loved him anyway. I love him regardless of the fights we got into in the beginning and I even loved him after he tried to grab me (he never did again); it seems as in the heat of the moment, he always seems to turn the problem around on me.

I am tired and I don't have fight in me either. When things are good, they are the best I've ever had because he is a lot like me in ways and we can really get the most out of spending time with each other. In the ways that we differ: I would never pass a judgment on someone as I feel he has to me.

Don't ever let someone tell you what you think, who you are, or that you make them feel badly when you are only standing up for yourself if they seem to turn on you, yell at you for no reason, or make a simple comment you made out to be the end of the world (especially when they may continuously tease or prod at you in their own ways and enjoy it!).

God has made us in his image- whatever God you believe in- ask: WHERE IS GOD IN MY RELATIONSHIP?? If you see God standing on your side and not in between you and your partner, holding both your hands, get out.

Easier said than done? I know.

Tomorrow is a new day, there will be someone who loves you and appreciates you for all of the good you do, and if you are as unhappy in your lows as you say you are, trust me, even in your loneliest time of recovery, you will feel better than you have with someone always bringing you down.
Don't let chemistry sway you how it has swayed me. Be strong like your loved ones (whoever they may be, even your closest friend) would want for you.

And don't ever feel you are alone. You aren't your story is just like mine.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Unhealthy Relationships.