What Is Wrong With Me????

by Sarah Renee Clark
(Bellingham, Wa)

Today I am 36 years old. I am broke, have no car, and four beautiful children. My boyfriend of almost 4 years is always upset with me. He makes me feel like I am an evil c**t with no soul, because he has said these things to me.

He says I am an embarrassment because I caused our last fight where he lost control, and kicked and hit me and poured beer on me. He thought he almost broke his foot from kicking me soo hard in the tail bone.

My back hurts, my heart is broken, and I still love this man who treats me like a mangy mutt that stinks and no one loves. I do love myself; I do love him. Why are we so messed up; why do I feel the way I feel?

I have unending mercy and love, I do not play the victim. I am not a martyr and believe in forgiveness. Staying with my mom now, I do have safety and support, but this is sooo gosh darned hard. I just wanted him to love and adore me, treat me kindly and affectionately. But I have a lot to learn, and am ultimately thankful during this confusing, tormenting time of change.

A healthy mind, heart, and body are my goals; to live a life free, and to cherish and respect those close to me in my life, for goodness and mercy to be my ever encompassing experience and laughter my soul's cry. These are the days of hope that are set out before me:)