Am I self centered?

by Lonely husband
(Usa)

My wife and I have been married 13 years. We have 4 kids, a large messy home, and kids activities that keep us busy every night and most weekend. For years my job as been long hours during parts of the year and puts most the burden of house work and kid shuffling on her. I admit I have been not as helpful around the house but have always tried my hardest to be there for my children.

For several years now my wife and I have been more distant. I have assumed it was because of the stress and anxiety of raising kids and trying to work and keep a home. With the distance our intimacy has dwindled to nothing. This has caused a lot of confusion and questions from me. I take that to be my fault and try and solve the issue. When we have discussed it the stress of kids and work get brought up and my absence with helping make her have no desire to be intimate.

This past year I quit my job and took a job with more flexible hours so I was able to help more with the house and kids. I spend every night with the kids now during their activities and am able to shuffle then around whenever. I hate my new job but im doing it because I thought it would help my marriage. It feels like it has had the opposite affect. When I try and talk to her about how I feel she says im being selfish and I need to give her space. All the self help books I read say I need to tell her how I feel but when I do im accused of being self centered and told it’s not all about you.

The constant rejection torments me with both being told no with intimacy and being told im selfish when I try and express how feel. Am I selfish and self centered for wanting closeness and intimacy in my marriage again?