What makes a good marriage? Research by psychologist John Gottman found that it is important to have what he calls the Magic Ratio of 5 positive interactions for each negative one. So, let’s talk now about how couples behave with one another in a successful marriage.
Successful couples all do the following things:
The important thing to have a good marriage is to maintain the Magic Ratio of 5 good things for each negative thing that happens between you. Let’s take a look at what psychologist John Gottman calls
THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE.
After studying couples that wound up divorced, Gottman found that their arguments and conflicts had four things in common that almost guaranteed that a marriage would fail. He called them The Four Horsmen. And he had a 94% prediction rate.
So here they are:
CRITICISM. The First Horseman shows itself by attacking and blaming your spouse’s personality or character. For instance: “You are just lazy! You never take out the trash!” Criticism seems to be close to complaining, but it is different. It is an attack on the very nature of the person in question. Complaining is about expressing anger, displeasure, distress or disagreement about your spouse behavior or an event. You can tell the difference by the way it is said: Criticism begins by saying “YOU are…. (fill in the blanks)” while a complaint starts the sentence with “I...(need, don’t like, etc.)
CONTEMPT is the Second Horseman. Here the intention is to insult and psychologically abuse your partner. Here are some examples of this:
DEFENSIVENESS. The Third Horseman is evident when our automatic response to thinking we are being attacked is to react defensively. This may have been a lifesaver when we were running from wild creatures in pre-historic times. But when it occurs in arguments, it only escalates the conflict.
Here are some behaviors to look for, in yourself and others:
STONEWALLING is the Fourth and most devastating Horseman.
This happens when one spouse shuts down and erects a brick wall to end the argument. It turns out men do this more than women, probably because men are more easily physiologically overwhelmed than women. What looks like a neutral position is actually the ultimate powerful act of aggression.
When all four of these behaviors are operating in a marriage, the outlook is not good. These couples are in a Negative Cycle, moving from Complaining to Criticizing to expressing Contempt. Then they begin Defending themselves and wind up Stonewalling. This is when they need to see someone who specializes in marriage counseling, and helps them to restore the good marriage.
If you are looking for a marriage counselor in the Phila., PA area who uses the
Gottman Method Couples Therapy... call:
for your free 20 minute phone consultation.
Gene Kayser uses the Gottman Method Couples Therapy system with it's proven techniques & strategies for couples who want to save their relationship. This is a "nuts and bolts" approach based on 40 years of research & treatment.
For a free 20 minute consultation, Call or Text:
If you would like to receive the Couples Guide Newsletter containing articles on relationships, please sign up below.
Visit The Relationship Forum to get and give advice on your relationship issues.
If you're struggling with your relationship, this is the place to talk about it!
Our counselors will answer your questions.
And you, our readers, can offer advice from your experience.