Am I Wrong?

by Phyllis
(Conshohocken, PA)

My boyfriend of two years just asked me for space on Saturday because he feels verbally abused by me. It came about when he didn't answer my calls the day before and I felt dissed. I asked him why he did not answer, and he said he was with a friend. He said I left a message that had a snide remark.


I said I was sorry and that I was pissed. He said he was sorry and he would call me on Monday. It is now Wednesday and he still has not called. I am afraid I think he is done with me.

Am I wrong for still hoping we can fix this? Should I call him? I must note that this happened 9 months ago too. He said he needed space because I was jealous of him flirting/staring ( way way more than just looking) with other women in my presence. He called after 2 months saying he missed me and wanted to get back together. We went back.

In the past 9 months we have had two confrontations about this. I have since been more tolerant of his flirting, although he still does not believe he is flirting or staring at other women when he's with me.

Comments for Am I Wrong?

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Jan 27, 2012
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Am I Wrong?
by: Phyllis

Well... we had the conversation three weeks ago, and it looked like we were getting back on track. I did not stay over or make love with him. I left his apartment and went home on New Year's Eve day. He said he'd call me.

Guess what? He didn't call at all until today, after 3 text messages and three VM from me asking him to please talk to me. Today, he re-iterated that he can't live with me, so what's the point of seeing each other.

My reacting and making him uncomfortable when he talks to other women, his ex girlfriends and his ex-wife are the reasons. He says this is the way he is, and he will never change for me or for anyone. I said I could accept his friendships with the other women, and he did not believe me. Said he's had enough of me and the stress of never pleasing me. He wants to meet new people and experience something different. So i said it's not true that he never pleased me, that he was the "best". But after he said again he wants to be free.

I said "good-bye" but am heartbroken that he does not want to work it out with me. I texted him that he was the "love of my life," and I can't believe I f'd it up so badly that he'd rather be alone so he could continue to have fun with the other relationships. I said I would not stop him from having fun with them. I just want to have fun too.
Dec 28, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Not ready
by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

So he called tonight. He texted over the weekend. Wants to get together Friday. To reconnect. He claims this was a misunderstanding. I reacted and he needed space over my reaction.

I feel it was too long. He doesnt take any responsibility for the fall-out except to say he retreats when under pressure. THis man is 60 years old.

What can I say to him to get back on track? I think he is hypersensitive.
Dec 24, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Thanks for the feedback
by: Phyllis

I understand and know you are right. He did call today, but I did not answer and he did not leave a message. I will not be strong enough to break it off with him so I will avoid contact. I appreciate the support.
Dec 22, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Thanks for the feedback
by: Phyllis

I understand and know you are right. He did call today but I did not answer and he did not leave a message. I will not be strong enough to break it off with him, so I will avoid contact. I appreciate the support.
Dec 22, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Not Ready
by: Anonymous

Sorry, although it is hard to let go - you must. You CANNOT MAKE anyone WANT to be with you. It's as simple as that.

Seems he is either just not that into you and you're just not "THE ONE". Or, he is just NOT READY to be with you or anyone YET.

If it "appears" to you that he flirts - YOU ARE RIGHT. He IS flirting but being nice and pretending it is not what he is doing.

Move On Honey, do not waste any more time on this one.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Relationship and Counseling Forum.

Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist

418 Stump Rd., Montgomeryville, PA 18936

215-813-8633

If you would like to receive the Couples Guide Newsletter containing articles on relationships, please sign up below.

Visit  The Relationship Forum  to get and give advice on your relationship issues.

If you're struggling with your relationship, this is the place to talk about it!
Our counselors will answer your questions.
And you, our readers, can offer advice from your experience.

"You gave us counseling without making either one of us feel that you were taking sides.
You always maintained your impartiality with us. You encouraged Rita to be more assertive in stating what she wanted to get from your counseling sessions, as well as what she wanted to get from the relationship.
You taught both of us better communication between ourselves, which lead to an emotional comfort level between us that didn't exist before.
You took control of the direction of the session if things were not moving along.
Thanks so much
for helping us."

Rita and Mark

Eugene Kayser, MA, MFT's profile on the Gottman Referral Network