Can't figure out what is going on
We've been having a long distance relationship for over 14 years. In between we've been meeting regularly and 5 times lived together for more than 6 months. In these years 5 times she got out of it, citing physical distance, and got back mostly because.
Last year we decided to get married this summer and had an engagement.Even as recent as October we stayed together for 3 months. She then went back to her country with plans of our marriage. Two months later she wanted to call it off again but got back again.
Recently, I noticed that she is not wearing the engagement ring. I asked her about it and she said that it was tight so she removed it. The fact though is she was wearing it for a year and thence the question arises as to how could it suddenly have got tight? She has also not put on any weight.
10 days ago, she met up with a guy who has been her friend for decades. They have even traveled together abroad in their youth and are close friends. They have consistently been in touch with each other,occasionally in person each year. They have also been helping out each other in small ways. When they were in their twenties her mother wanted to them to marry but I do not know why that did not happen ...don't know whether they were lovers, whether he refused or she refused.` The
guy very recently donated her some money (in thousands) as she does some charities. Then few days later he drove over 200 kms and came to tell her about his marriage problems because he felt she had the same Xian values as she does- which is true- both are evangelicals, and she would be able to empathize with his situation at a spiritual level.
I saw them when he was at her home (she lives alone) talking via whatsapp as I had called her without realizing the guy is there. Both looked very serious and my fiance rather quickly ended the call. Later, without me asking her, she told me that he came to tell her that his wife of 20 years is having an affair with someone else and so on.
It was also after this talk that I also noticed the ring missing. She told me she will put it back when she comes to my country for the marriage and gets the ring adjusted for size. She says she can't do it in Germany because the ring also has elephant hair in it and difficult to adjust for size as it will damage the hair. Last I talked to her, she seemed to be very keen on getting married but these strange going ons have perplexed me and disturbed me.
I simply can't figure it out and don't know how to handle this situation. Is she on her way out permanently?
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist