Could you please advise me whats happening with my husband? Please save my marriage.
I am an Indian girl recently married & by arranged. I am doing my PhD in the UK & my husband works in the US. We got married this June and I was with my husband from mid July to mid august this year in the US. It was only after I went there, things turned sour for us.
Before we were married, he was in a live-in for 3 years with a lady who was separated from her husband (initially not a divorcee, just separated). She and my husband dated, fell in love and my husband was also fighting with his parents for their approval. Later, when he was sent on an international assignment, she slept with one of his close friends. My husband realized about this after he was back in the US while at the same time when he was diagnosed with TB. He forgave her for what she did and expected her to stay by him during his illness but she rudely left him. (Btw, he told me his past before marriage). My husband battled successfully against his illness and after their break-up, we were married in 8 months.
Now while I was there in US, I realized that he is still talking to her and discussing about our personal matters (about our fights, & even bedroom stuff in detail- i found these in his whatsapp chat). I also realized that he meets her often for lunch and dinner and is always on his toes to do any favour she asks for.
He would most often be very rude with me and pick fights on petty issues and he also never ceased himself from comparing us. She was always praised and i was always mocked down any time. There was not even a day passed without being compared. Most often I tried to ignore only to be able to cook for us and also make myself study for my PhD. But sometimes with the way he compares us, he really gets into my nerves.
She is a full time salaried IT professional and i am a PhD candidate on a stipend. He would mock me down saying I am no way close to her IT skills or salary level. He would compare our house keeping skills and will rave about her (while at the same time he agrees I keep the house neat, he says she is even more fast at it). He would not stop talking about their sexual life to me and sometimes when he goes into the ugliest details like describing what, how and where they did certain stuff, it kinda totally wears me out. If I am at a store looking for lingerie and spot something i like, he would immediately say that she had similar kind of designs and he had already seen her wearing for him during their fun nights. I bought him a Burberry shall worth £480 from the UK and parceled it to him, for completing 100 days post engagement. For a few days he was in praise of me but later he said I’m no close to her because she spends even more for him on his birthdays. If I tell him that I have completed 5k on treadmill, he would criticize me that she just recently did a 10k marathon, so I haven’t achieved anything big! He used to show her pictures, pointing at her legs saying look how toned it is, and can you also run everyday to get your legs toned that way? If I spot a SUV on road and say i like it, there again he would say it’s also her fav too.
I have told him umpteen times not to do this as it strains my chemistry with him and of course our relationship, and more often I have fought and cried too. He blames me in turn that i am being very Indian and insecure & he regrets marrying a typical Indian. He would 75% be in praise of his ex and would say she is very impressive, clear-headed and has a high professional standing. The rest 25% times he would verbally abuse her to me that she slept with his close friend. I used to comfort him that it’s ok it's past, you have moved on and you are settled. The funny thing is, this girl is still sleeping around with the same man, for whom she ditched my husband (she herself had disclosed this to my husband when his friends were guessing about it). And this man is also married but his wife lives far away in another city in the US without knowing this. She openly shares with my husband about her sexual encounters with every other man she has been with lately.
I don’t understand what kind of relationship my husband has with her yet. My husband tells me that he would never think of accepting her back in his life for what she did, but at the same time he says he won’t stop his contacts with her. He denies throwing away her materials that’s still lying around our new home (bed and couch) and is also not willing to delete her pictures from his system. He argues that I am trying to erase his three years of life and it’s not moral for me to do it. I understand all these material stuff doesn’t create a big deal but with the way he praises her any day any time and mocks me down all the time, I get angry at him, at her and all her stuff that’s in the house.
As we argue over and over we lose track of time and we end up not eating and sleeping on time either. Our days were getting derailed at least 2–3 days in a week, mostly the weekends would be totally ruined. Despite
these issues he still make me meet his friends and maintain around that we live happily together. There are numerous days where we fought, I would cry, my eyes would swell up, turn red and despite that he will expect me to step out for any lunch or dinner that his friends plan. If i deny coming out he would raise his hands. Most often I would go submissive only to help myself study because I was going to sit for my PhD annual review in September. So, I would take a shower, dress up and walk to his friends as though nothing happened between us (it’s very very hard to bounce back with resilience in a social meeting after going through physical and emotional trauma at home). He hardly seemed to pay attention towards me while i was in there. He would most often be tied up with his TV series or his Xbox. He would very rarely show his affection on me (and those times I would feel that he is genuinely coming to me out of love). But those minutes would soon get disappear in fraction of seconds.
Despite my tight schedule in my PhD life, I make breakfast for him, cook three course meal for lunch and also make authentic cuisines for dinner. I love cooking and my husband agrees that I give him variety cuisine every day, and is also a better cook to his mom (huh, this is the only thing he appreciates about me; otherwise, I am always mocked down).
I tried my best to gain his love and approval in the one month I spent there but looks like i failed terribly. For any issues that comes between us he would immediately say get out of my house (I have heard this more than 50 times while i was there with him). He had told me more than 100 times that he developed no feelings for me and if we separate he will lead a happy life. But sometimes later when he gets into a good mood, he will ask me to ignore what he said and would claim he said it only in anger (I’m confused bcz I’m hearing it often).
I tried my best to show my love in numerous ways to make him understand he has got someone in his life who will stay by him genuinely. I wanted to cook for ten of his friends on his birthday and he asks me why would i be interested in boasting around his gang that i know to cook (without understanding that i want to cook for him, on his b’day out of love for him). Our house is located on a highway with no stores close by. I planned to surprise him on his birthday with a cake. But as I was never given cash for emergencies, I just carried my UK bank card and walked up and down 5 miles (couldn’t get a cab as i had no cash or US bank card) to buy a cake and surprise him that evening. He was in awe after realizing that I walked 5 miles to get something for him but the next day he started criticizing that i haven’t done anything costlier for him for his first b’day after marriage.
I was going through an emotional plight and I always thought of talking to at least one of his closest friends, when I asked him to bring at least one friend to discuss issues between us, he says he wouldn’t want to stay in the marriage if his friends are made aware of. He says they will laugh at him and he doesn’t want to go through by taking this to them.
I tried my best to make him understand not to compare me with his ex but he never took my cries seriously. His mom is well aware that he was sexually active in those three years of his previous relationship. She is also aware that we are fighting with the comparison issue, and she always blamed me that he might be doing it for fun and I am not mature enough to handle it. One day she accused me that I’m the one causing issues due to my insecurities and I broke to her that I can’t keep it in light vein when my husband constantly raves about his past sexual adventures. She told I was lying about it, but looks like she has inquired about it with my husband. My husband got furious knowing that i told her something about his past sex life, he told his mom that I too was in love and had a break up before marriage. (he was vindictive).
I had a long dist relationship and it dint work out well for me, after that I stayed single for four years and then married my husband. He conveyed about this to his mom being angry on me. His mom straight away accused my character and I was torn on the phone into pieces.
I’m now in India as my mom is seriously ill, i also have my exams in the UK in a week and i am very much confused what should i do next with my married life. I don’t understand what’s bothering my husband and why is he not getting closer to me. My husband and his mom are constantly inquiring about my return date to the US. I’m very much afraid to trust him and go back after experiencing a dysfunctional life there. If anyone of you could try explain to me what’s happening with him, and what should i do next, I would be very grateful to you. I really love him and want to lead a happy life with him but I always feel that something is stopping him to get closer to me. Please advice. Thanks.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist