Discordant sexual desires and all the trouble that comes with it

by Anonymous

The quick rundown: I'm that typical guy in an amazing marriage that's perfect besides the sex life. Her libido is very low. I made sure my needs for sex were clear before we got engaged, since it's such a big part of my happiness and mental health. She was completely on board back then. Now not so much.

We've talked and even fought about it many times. I've brought it up many times, always in the best way I can. I've explained how much it impacts me day to day - not feeling desired, not having that release, how it causes me to be distracted and restless throughout my day, how it makes me think about sex all day and lust after others when it's not there. But it's a deep, fundamental, basic need of mine - frequent sex.

It's the one thing I ask for in the relationship, and I do everything I can to make sure she feels valued, loved, sexy, etc - I tell her every day that she's the most beautiful or sexiest woman in the world, talk to her about her day, tell her I love her multiple times a day, buy her a new bouquet of flowers every single week for years, plan elaborate surprises for birthdays and the like, etc. Do everything I can think of to make her feel valued, and repeatedly make it known that the one thing I need in the relationship is a healthy sex life. Been a problem for three years now.

And to get to the dark, shameful part: recently went on a trip with a friend who's female. She came onto me hard - skinny dipped during a hike, constantly offered massages, etc. One night after several beers and after I'd taken my sleeping pill I awoke from a light sleep to find her on top of me, nude, kissing my neck and grinding against me. I reflexively grabbed her hips and breasts, and felt her "down there." I never kissed her and certainly didn't have sex, but was so turned on I came. I have no desire to actually cheat on my wife but I was so, so incredibly turned on having this gorgeous woman on me who actually WANTED me, after years of just wanting to feel that same sexual desire from my wife. Not having it makes me feel ugly, inadequate, etc.

So here's the two questions: 1) What should I do, in general? and 2) Should I tell my wife about the encounter with the friend? I'd love to hear from people who also have very high sex drives, as I promise anyone who doesn't won't truly understand what this is like at all.

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Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist

418 Stump Rd., Montgomeryville, PA 18936


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