Do I continue with this or not...
I am questioning whether or not I should stay in my marriage. On the surface we seem a happy couple, however, we have a lot of issues. I believe my husband is verbally and emotionally abusive to me.
There are a multitude of examples but here's the synopsis. I was married previously, no kids and he was never married but has one kid from a prior relationship. I helped him navigate gaining split custody of his son and have been there for him over the past 6 years. We have quite a large disparity in income with me being the major breadwinner. We discussed this prior to even talking about marriage and he was fine with it. given my previous relationship, I was clear I wanted joint accounts, etc. That way, even with the disparity, we were a team financially. He agreed to this. Stated we would combine once we married, etc.
When it got close to the wedding, there was no movement on this. We married, as I was changing my name, etc we discussed again, he reneged on the deal. We went to therapy. I compromised and said let's have a joint acct for bills and separate accts for our extras so he can spend what he wants, etc. He agreed in front of the therapist and would never actually enact the plan. To this day our finances are separate and he pays nothing toward the bills or our retirement, etc. I pay for everything for the house, our kid together and most for his son from a prior marriage. This is the first example of him breaking a deal we made.
When I gave birth we discussed time off after birth and the fact that I only got 6 weeks leave and we both felt it was bad for our child to be in day care at 6 weeks. He had an abundance of PTO and said he would stay home for another 2-3 weeks at a minimum to allow our baby time to develop further, etc. When the time came, he wouldn't take the time off work. Our baby went to day care, got a virus and was out for
another week, etc.
During birth I almost died, while in an argument shortly after this my husband said "Poor you, get over it."
Our latest issue is something that seems minor but given that he rarely ever does things for my birthday, mother's day or our anniversary it is kind of a big deal. I was just promoted at work. I have now ascended to a level that few ever do in their careers much less by my age. As a person who doesn't want to be the center of attention in most cases, I asked for this milestone specifically to be celebrated. he told me that I don't need anything. I already have him and my son and that should be enough. I let it go. Then I discussed it more because I really wanted to celebrate this achievement. He continued to do nothing and told me I didn't need it. Finally (after 3+ times of discussing) we went to a movie that he wanted to see and a place that he wanted to eat. That was the celebration and when I expressed why I was disappointed he just laid into me. I'm a horrible person and ungrateful, etc, etc, etc.
He recently lost his brother. I was there for him every step of the way. When there were times he would go a visit the family, etc he told me not to come. He took every opportunity to turn me away/down from supporting him in his time of grief. Now, as this other issue has resurfaced he's calling me heartless because he just lost his brother and I'm creating issues just to give him a hard time.
We discuss home renovations, projects, etc and make decisions and then he turns it around and tells me I didn't ask or value his opinion.
There's a ton more and maybe a lot of this doesn't sound like a big deal but over our 4 years of marriage any time there's a disagreement the verbal insults and just "go for the jugular" mentality is just really starting to take a toll. I'm wondering if it's time to get out for my sake and for my son's.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist