Does he even love me?
Hi, I was in an abusive relationship before the one I’m in now. Whilst in this abusive relationship I met this new guy (Nick) when I was looking for a new house to move to. I gave him my number as I was interested in a house that was opposite his and asked him to let me know if the landlord was renting it as it was empty.
Anyhow since then we because friends by random chitchat which escalated into friendship. He because someone I spoke to about my ex what he was doing to me and he also gave advice and was in shock with what I was putting up with, also with having two kids he could see I needed to get out of that relationship. He was great! So supportive, always there to help, great with my kids etc... when I finally left my ex and moved out, nick started spending more tome with me, we went out as mates and photons, we were laughing and giggling. Then a year later he asks me to be with him, he chased me the whole time where I said no as I wasn’t ready and still grieving over my ex, but finally after a year I said yes ok.
Since being together it’s been awful, toxic, neither of us can seem to do anything right, he gets jealous of any compliments I get from men and expects me to delete and block any man that compliments me. I then found out he had a history of drugs, I asked him at the start do you still do it? And he said no. I then said “if I ever catch you doing drugs I will leave you, as I don’t tolerate drugs and I have two kids” he said that’s fine. Anyways.. night out at a family members house and I caught him snorting cocaine, he knew the consequences if he took that, he’d lose me! He tried lying and denying it, until eventually he admitted it and made up a
lame story for taking it, all lies that he isn’t willing to prove. I told his parents and they deleted and blocked me straight away ... so straight away I felt so ill about the whole situation.
So there was that, amongst other things, never smiles with me in photos, he also went out for the weekend back to Birmingham with his mates and other females (we live in Wales) and he didn’t text me all weekend, no (I love you or miss you) when I did text he was very minimal. Then went from 3pm -9pm with no contact so I text him to say I loved him, he did reply “love you too” bluntly, no kisses, then he went from 9pm all night without texting me at all, I messaged mid night saying“ hope you had a good night, I didn’t think you’d be this quiet with me” and about 2 hrs later I had a text saying “Quiet? Well it’s another thing I do wrong” . So he thinks that I have a list of things he does wrong, when it isn’t that, it’s things he doesn’t do?
It’s lockdown and I haven’t got the kids as they are with their father, I’d have thought he’d have wanted to spend it with me while he can, also the lies! He says so many lies! He even lied about his reason to go back to Birmingham for the weekend, said it was his grandad wanted to see him, but he’d planned a massive night out with all his mates 😔 he’s more distant with me now, and doesn’t seem to be very affectionate.. what do you guys think? He’s never lovey dovey, I don’t even know if he’s cheated on me, all the woman he hangs with are like models, I also caught a load of porn on his phone where he said it was from group chats ?? It was excessive! Loads of porn! Women masterbating etc.. I feel with two kids I shouldn’t have to put up with this.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist