Hello everyone. I am mentally not well and I need some help.
Almost one year ago my husband accepted a phone number from a female coworker. He did not ask for it but for some reason she offered. He says they were just friends. He also says they even confirmed with each other that they were just friends. My husband did not tell me about this friend until I asked who he was texting. As soon as I asked he told me. However, he was texting her for 2 weeks before I found out. I am still in shock and so very sad.
He swears they were never more than friends and that he knew I would overreact once I found out. He says he was never really hiding it from me and that he doesn’t think it was a big deal.
I know he did not physically cheat as I found some messages to his brother, friend and on a forum he uses that says he never crossed a line. I also did find one message saying how hot she was.
I don’t know what to do. I have not seen hear messages as he deleted them before I could read them. There were a fair amount of texts in those 2 weeks. I got really mad after I found out and he was still texting her the next day. So I left. Went to a bar. He messaged me to tell me he texted her and told her I didn’t like the friendship and that they should not be texting anymore. I didn’t get to see that text either and he deleted it along with her contact. However, after he messaged
her I care home and he left his phone lying around. She responded to the text. All it said was “I told you to be honest with her from the beginning”. So, I think that does sound kind of innocent right? After that I did not see anymore messages to or from her.
Since this happened he has switched jobs as well. He has not left my side and has tattooed my name on his finger. He can’t wear a ring as he is a mechanic.
We have been together for 16 years. He has done nothing wrong since this and has done everything to try and fix it. He doesn’t fight with me, does everything I want to do and always wants to have family weekends. He calls all day and has been great.
Also, I forgot to mention he told me I could call This woman if I wished to make me feel better. He also took me to his Christmas party where she was. He doesn’t seem to mind me being around her.
Why can’t I get over this? Was it an emotional affair? Is it cheating? Were they just friends like he says? Is 2 weeks even long enough for an emotional affair? I know he didn’t physically cheat as he always comes home but what do I do? I need to figure out if his is cheating or not. I have bad anxiety so it’s like I can’t trust my own thoughts. Everyone of my friends say I am way overreacting and he loves me but I just don’t know where to go from here. How can I convince myself he didn’t cheat? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist