Everyone thinks I'm selfish and she's selfless, but it's not that simple.
by Lana
(US)
My husband and I have been trying to have children for years, and it never works for us. I have lost four pregnancies, the furthest making it to 13 weeks.
Recently, a family member of his stepped forward and said she had been doing research and would like to offer to carry a baby for us. It would be mine and his, she would just be a surrogate, no strings attached. I am not finding myself open to the idea, and yet when I start to bring up my discomfort, I get told all these wonderful things about her.
"She's so selfless to offer."
"She doesn't have to do this, you know."
"She's giving up a lot herself to offer."
She has a high paying job, is very successful, very work driven. I understand what people mean, even if it feels like an insult to myself when they say it. I don't disagree she would be giving up a lot to carry a baby for us, but the thing is, I never asked her to. She offered, and I want to say no. I just feel stepped on whenever I try. It's a kindness, yes, and not one to be offered lightly. It's just not what I want, or how I want a child. Does that truly make me such a monster?
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You always maintained your impartiality with us. You encouraged Rita to be more assertive in stating what she wanted to get from your counseling sessions, as well as what she wanted to get from the relationship. You taught both of us better communication between ourselves, which lead to an emotional comfort level between us that didn't exist before. You took control of the direction of the session if things were not moving along. Thanks so much for helping us." Rita and Mark |
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