Everyone thinks I'm selfish and she's selfless, but it's not that simple.

by Lana

My husband and I have been trying to have children for years, and it never works for us. I have lost four pregnancies, the furthest making it to 13 weeks.

Recently, a family member of his stepped forward and said she had been doing research and would like to offer to carry a baby for us. It would be mine and his, she would just be a surrogate, no strings attached. I am not finding myself open to the idea, and yet when I start to bring up my discomfort, I get told all these wonderful things about her.

"She's so selfless to offer."
"She doesn't have to do this, you know."
"She's giving up a lot herself to offer."

She has a high paying job, is very successful, very work driven. I understand what people mean, even if it feels like an insult to myself when they say it. I don't disagree she would be giving up a lot to carry a baby for us, but the thing is, I never asked her to. She offered, and I want to say no. I just feel stepped on whenever I try. It's a kindness, yes, and not one to be offered lightly. It's just not what I want, or how I want a child. Does that truly make me such a monster?

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Eugene Kayser, MA, MFT's profile on the Gottman Referral Network