Facebook Message endangers my marriage! Help us!!!
(Somewhere, TX, US )
Hello. My name is Nicole and I am 29, my husband is 25 yrs old. October 1st we would have been married for 3 years- God willing. I think it's best to know a little about our marriage before I even get into what happened. My husband and I met during a girl's night out in the middle of August. We danced and talked all night. at the end of the night he asked for my phone number and on a date for the very next night. Since then we literally have been inseparable.
I was pregnant with our first child and so we married October 1st. We had a very quick whirlwind romance. My husband is a part of the Army, and as a part of that we moved from GA (my home) to Texas (his home- it's about 5 hrs away). As a military brat myself (over half of my life) I saw my mother go through 3 deployments with my father. So I was truly convinced that I would be able to be a good wife and do the same as her.
After living with my husband for 9 months, he deployed to Afghanistan (June 2011). my parents came and got me and my 2 month old baby, and took us back home to good ole GA. After a few months I started feeling the crushing loneliness that comes with being a new mother and doing it all on my own. My mom was there but she wasn't much help at all. She's one of those "it's your baby you do it" type of Grandmothers.
October 9th, 2011 I was contacted by my first love's best friend, Steven contacted me. We had casual conversation. It started off with "Hey how are you doing?" and "Nothing, just playing with my son" and things like that. As we talked more he started reminiscing about our one-night stand that happened 9-7 years ago. I told him that I am married and he needs to stop. He referenced my "pretty titties" quite often, and our conversation lead to a graphic sexual conversation.
I nipped it in the bud the very next day after having time to think about what I had done. I told him we can talk as friends but nothing more. And we did, but he still referenced my boobs and tried hard to get my phone number and see me. We spoke off and on about life: I talked about my spoiled brat being bratty out of frustration. I also revealed that in order for me to receive oral sex I have to be 110% comfortable with that person, and that I rarely let my hubby do it because I am so shy about my body. He asked if I would let him and he received a flat out no.
Well long story short: I never gave him my phone number, we never saw each other and we never physically had sex. This incident happened Oct 14th, 2011 and was never repeated. We spoke as friends until March 2012 and he send me a message about a month later and I never answered.
The last couple of weeks have been pretty rocky for my husband and I. We don't see eye to eye about his Army career. I think he should stay in and change his job, and he wants
out. He really doesn't understand how hard it is in the civilian world. Especially, when you have a wife with a chronic illness that needs constant medical attention. We had a plan to move to Houston so he could join the Houston Police Department (HPD) and I would find work in my field. My husband started talking about moving to his middle of nowhere hometown after we get out, and that didn't sound great to me because we'd be living with his parents and sharing a room with our 2 yr old. Not to mention the conditions of his parents house isn't the best either. We had to live there for a month when we first married.
Well we finally came to some sort of an agreement. We will move in with his parents and stay for one month while we save money for an apartment, and he'll go work out in the oil fields. Lately, that's the only thing he's talked about was working in the oil field instead of HPD. It makes me upset because I know he can do better and I know he left that city for a reason- he wanted more. So lately we've been kinda shaky and he's been a little distant.
3 days ago my husband found the message. I had gone to work and left my Facebook up. He said our son was playing on it when it all of sudden pulled up Steven and I's conversation. I really don't believe him there, but I am in no shape to argue about why he went through it. He confronted me about it and I just broke down crying. I hurt the person I love most, my best friend in the whole world. My world came crashing down on me. He says he doesn't love me, to get out his face and that he wants nothing to do with me. but I know he's very hurt and angry. I told him the truth: that I only talked to him via Facebook and that he was nothing.
My husband doesn't believe me at all. He thinks I physically had sex with him, which is not true. My husband and his brother think I should go back to GA (after telling my parents what I did - and let's just say my mother isn't a big fan of my husband) for a month and he'll see how he feels. If he misses me we'll work things out and if not...I don't even want to think about it.
I personally don't see what leaving for a month will do. I think it'll be the beginning of the end if I do. And how will we keep in touch and work things out? How will he be able to trust me if he's not there in GA with me and Steven is?
PLEASE HELP ME!!! I am willing to do anything to save my marriage. I told him so. I told him I'll deactivate my Facebook for a while. He said no. He just wants me gone. He refuses marriage counseling as well, he said I need help - he doesn't. I absolutely positively LOVE my husband with all of my being. I made a mistake but I don't think our family should be torn apart from it. I will fight for my marriage until my last breath!!
Sad in Texas
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist