How do I survive a sexless marriage?
This is Ananth, I am a married man, 33 years old, and I face a problem in my sex life.
My wife and I perfectly compliment each other, there is lots of love. We have never had a big fight, and get along really well. Our lives are so well merged that neither of us can imagine a life without the other.
But the problem comes in the sex life. By nature, my wife is never into it. She did not even know how it was done, and had very little knowledge in anything related to sex. She shows little interest and curiosity in this field. Even when we make love, I always feel she allows me to do whatever I want and shows no interest or initiative from her part. Added to this, she has been having some health problems over the last few years due to which even normal physical contact like hugging and cuddling is something we cannot do at all. I have spent the last few years with little or no physical contact with her. And it looks like things will continue this way for the foreseeable future.
On the other hand, sex is something very important for me. Without sex, I feel my life is incomplete, and a basic need is not met.
I spoke about this to a sexologist. He said some women are like that, and in such cases there is nothing wrong in me looking for sex outside my marriage. As my wife is happy with me without sex, she should not mind me getting it from elsewhere. But when I asked the doctor how I can get sex outside marriage, he just said "Find a steady girlfriend who is also in a similar situation. There are many women who want a relationship just for sex. There maybe some in your office or social circles. Try it and you will be surprised."
But this suggestion only has made life more difficult for me. I have a connection with many women at work. But it is risky even to hint this intention. I am in a high position in the hierarchy and well respected, and such forays I fear can wreck my reputation and career. I also have female friends outside work whom I find attractive. I go out with them and sometimes i feel a spark. But being a married man, how can I show that I am looking for sex, without the risk of looking like a creep or a cheater. I don't want to disrespect any woman or make anyone feel uncomfortable. But without sex, my life feels hollow and incomplete. But it seems so out of reach.
What can I do? Please help!
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist