How to trust my fiance with his child's mother(ex) when he has already been proven to be dishonest?
I live with my fiance and have been with him for 2.5 years. We have a 1 year old daughter together. We both have kids from previous relationships. Through our whole relationships he has done things to make me not trust him but I stick with him for the sake of our daughter and he has told me numerous times he will change.
Long story short he has previously flirted with his child's mother, he has sent her sexually explicit text msgs and he has even told her that he still loved and missed her and thinks about what could have been. He dated his ex for 2 months and she got pregnant right away. As soon as she got pregnant she basically ended things with him and although she continued to fool around with him for a few months. she got another boyfriend before their child was even born and basically strung him along.
When he started seeing me it was under the notion that he had moved on. But he continued to try to get with her behind my back. He has on several occasions flirted/sent sexually explicit msgs to his ex and I have found out and I keep forgiving him. He claims that it gives him a rush and a high to act like that and that he doesn't know how to control himself. He always claims he is depressed since his other daughter can't have her mom and dad together and thinks about how his ex ruined his other child life.
Although I keep forgiving him I have told him numerous times, to have a relationship with the child but he must keep minimal communication with his ex. Talk to the child on the phone and that's it (his daughter is 3.5 years old that he has with his ex) and that when he visits his daughter he can't be going into the ex's apartment and there is no reason for him to be doing things alone with his ex and their child. He needs to keep them both separate.
His ex msged him to tell him their daughter had a cold and that she was going to take her to the doctor (ok) but then my fiance wants to go over there and help with the doctors appt. If he was different it wouldn't be an issue, but every time he is around his ex he acts way too overly nice, complimenting her, flirting with her, he doesnt know how to be neutral, let alone all of the things he has said and done in the past 2.5 years.
I feel like given his record, unless it is a dire emergency, not a little cold, there is no need for him to be there alone with her and the kid. She didn't even invite him, she was just letting him be aware of what she was doing.
His ex always turns him down but lately she has been acting a little too nice than usual. She has always said she can't
call or msg when she is at work and recently she has started msging my fiance and calling him to talk to him about their kid while she is at work. That doesn't make sense to me. And in the past he used to ask for pictures of his ex and daughter together and she always declined saying there was no need for him to have pictures of her too and recently she sent him a picture of her and their daughter. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with him going over to his ex house (he doesn't do it though but it's just his opinion) and he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him doing activities with his ex just them ( he doesn't do it but it is his opinion) but I have a firm belief that if two people are not together, especially if they are both in new relationships, and especially if the guy has been inappropriate on numerous occasions then there is no reason for there to be excessive contact between the two.
I feel like it is giving a false image to his other daughter. His daughter is 3.5 years old and already on a few occasions has questioned why her daddy was not in her mommy's house. And his answer is always either doesn't answer and changes the topic or says "it is because he lives with (inserts my name).."
The whole situation is just very stressful, it is hard being in a relationship with someone who has a child with another woman but it is even harder when he can't be trusted with his ex.
I have a child with him and I want to make it work but it is near impossible to trust him. He wants to have with his ex and their daughter what me and him have but that's just crazy given the fact that they are not together. I'm sorry but I believe that when you are in a new relationship and you have an ex things cannot be so friendly and close as if the two people were together, you cant always use the “Child card”.
He is barely participant with our child since he has to work crazy hours but with his ex he wants her to see him as “super dad”. I get the fact that he wants a close relationship with oldest daughter but at the same time he can't expect that he is going to get all the perks as you get when you live with the mother of your child. There has to be boundaries when you have an ex and when you have a new relationship.
I want to be with him for the sake of our child and I do love him but he just isn't trustworthy since he is obsessed with his ex. How can he stop his obsession with his ex if he constantly has to be exposed to her and see her and talk to her since they have a kid together?
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist