Hurtful words

by JL
(Grand Rapids, MI)

About 4 years ago my wife and I had been married 20 years and we were talking about growing up. I made a comment that my older brother got all of the girls back then and my wife responded that "it was a good thing he was married before we met". She saw that it hurt right away and said sorry for saying that; however, the damage was done and to this day I believe that it is true. I tried to have a discussing with her that day about it and she shut me down.

This year, after the advice from a counselor, I brought it back up and said that it has been damaging our relationship. She never denied what she said was true. She did try to make me feel better, but this is a big problem for me. I've also noticed over the last few years that she asks about him a fair amount and on a couple of occasions it may have not been appropriate. For example, she stayed home sick from church one day and when I got back she asked if HE asked where she was. Out of all of the friends and people there, why would she just single out him or care? She says that she loves me, but doesn't really spend a lot of time with me either. She is either do household things or she is reading books. The communication is very poor and I am starting to feel very lonely in this relationship. I can't remember a time when she opened up to me with her feelings and I am having trouble taking the lead as I am a bit resentful.