Husbands Double Life causing big problems please help

by S

My husband has what I feel is like a double life. He has his family life where he is dad and husband and a decent one at that but then he has his other life. He goes out every few weeks all night with questionable people to do things that are not all that legal. He stays out all night and stays with people I've never met and I'm not comfortable with him bringing them home. I will not say exactly what he does, in the grand scheme of things its not that illegal but it is also a bit childish and something most people grow out of after they hit 30. He is almost 40 and is obsessed with skateboarding and the culture that goes with that (which is fine but there are some aspects of said culture that are not legal and that he participates in.

He is a self described adrenaline junky. Only been in trouble with the law a few times and mostly a great person. But he is addicted to his cell phone and instagram, always on it while spending family time and I feel has this other life I know very little about. Recently a friend he stays with was arrested for assaulting a woman and strangling her. He is bipolar and an addict. He was accused of rape as well. My husband received a call from another friend (much younger than him by at least 12 years) regarding the friend accused of rape and assault etc. His friends are often much younger than him. He reluctantly told me about what was spoke about (i had to ask multiple times) said I was too judgmental to know. He routinely meets people through the internet that have slimier interests as him and knows very little about them.

After our son was born in 2013 I started to get upset that he would bring these strangers home and that aspect of his life went more underground. I am writing this because I have often thought we should split but have stayed for my son and because sometimes life with him is good. We built a business together, have a home we bought. He also was divorced and much of what is ex wife accused him of at the time ( I am also a good 6 years younger than him, and when we met he was in the process of divorce with 2 young daughters) rings true to my older more mature self. His daughters are now young teens and I am getting fed up.

I have a beautiful 5 year old son I need to keep safe and the more of this other life he lives I see and hear about the less trust I have for him and the more I wonder what type of person he truly is. He says he is Christian and has strong morals but I have a hard time reconciling his behavior and actions to that. I do not care if he is religious or not but I feel his life and the things that interest
him are immature and risky. He watches odd videos online and is always on instagram and communicating with people involved in his lifestyle. He is away from June-September or October as part of our work and has begun meeting people while traveling and doing illegal things while working as well which makes me very uncomfortable.

All in all I do not see our marriage working out and haven't for a long time. I don't have the money to talk to a counselor. I want one and that is why I am on here. I have talked to family and friends and just feel judged more than anything. I have my own issues and am not perfect either but I am so tired of feeling like I had to grow up when my child arrived and he gets to act like an idiot whenever it suits him. He often says I do not trust him, but its very hard to trust someone you do not live with all year and someone who acts the way he does.

I hold deep resentment for him and feel hated for him at times as well. I feel he has wasted my time but I am scared to leave him too as I saw how badly he treated is last ex wife and I see how progressively worse he treats me with each year when we have disagreements for fight. He calls me names in front of our son, and says its ok because he says "I am acting like" a bitch or a hoe or stupid. The :acting part must cancel out the mean things he says in his head? He yells and says terrible things and then moments later denies he ever said them. Calls me crazy (this was his fall back with his ex as well..often called her crazy to discredit her, but I see now that this may be his way of dealing with women and altercations or conflict. He has gotten handsey while drinking and has hurt me physically a few times.

I am scared for my son because when he does not have a woman in the house he can be very mean and unfair to his children. He immediately got with me before his divorce was final and I often think he did it because he needs a mom figure and someone to take care of his affairs, bills, etc. I just learned that his mother paid for his whole last divorce and chose his lawyer for him.

I feel trapped and I do not know what to do. I often think of just leaving with a few things and getting my own little place and letting the cards fall where they may but I am scared. He is my business partner and I handle most business aspects where he handles far less. Its just a huge mess and I want my son to be ok! I want to be happy too some day! I try so hard with this person who blames all issues solely on me and refuses to take any responsibly for his actions.

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Eugene Kayser, MA, MFT's profile on the Gottman Referral Network