I am confused am I wrong

by Mary
(Riverside, CA)

I was a single parent of 3 two boys and a girl when I meet my current husband. He was perfect as far as I saw. He would help me with the chores, take the kids to the park, cook and was great with the kids, always fun to be around.

I moved into his house a year later with my children. I was responsible for his mortgage, bills, food everything but I didn't mind since he was always with the kids. He worked nights.

Well during this time I became pregnant and I found out he cheated. I found pictures on his phone where a girl was naked on our bed. Come to find out she was the mother of one of the kids on my son's soccer team. He denied it and till this day he says we weren't married and he was through with the relationship even though I still lived in the house.

Things got worse. I stayed because now I had a new born and did not want to lose my job. His mother called Social Services on me, accusing me of abusing my daughter because she would scream and cry every time I told her it was time to take a shower and go to bed. He would tell her that she didn't have to and that she was a kid and should be allowed to relax. Which I never understood. during the weekday I had all the kids take showers and go to bed by 8, 8:30. at that time she was 6 years old.

When we would fight, he would tell my daughter I didn't love her and that I was a whore and slept around. A social worker came to speak with all of us, inspected the home and nothing was founded. The social worker did tell him that he was wrong and needed parenting classes. Shortly after that I became pregnant again.

To make a long story shorter, he says that everything is my fault and that I am selfish. When I ask for an example he says that I always get mad and so he doesn't want to talk about it.

I finally bought a
house of my own and moved out. about six months after buying the house he moved in. I have, well I had, chores for everyone in the house. On weekends I have always taught the kids that after all the chores are done we can go out (movies, beach etc.)He doesn't care about the chores and will take the kids regardless of what I say.

My house is TRASHED and he says it my job, I am the mother. I work two jobs and pay for everything. he doesn't work anymore. His excuse is he is busy with the kids all day. He puts practicing before anything else. my 5 year old now (his first)plays T-Ball and he is the coach, makes him practice everyday and doesn't think anything else is important. He would not even let me take him to TX to visit my parents because of his games. He says I'm selfish because I don't want to have sex with him, usually after an argument. He calls me weak, insecure, lazy, money hungry, crazy, out of control when I cry or scream at him. For mother's day he said he was more of a mother than me and that I am not a real mother :(. He treats the boys differently and says because they are boys that its ok to talk about boobs and butt, which I don't like and think is inappropriate. I know he is wrong but I still buy into his belittling.

He will never admit to doing or saying anything wrong. Everyone thinks he is so perfect and is always smiling and laughing. I'm always upset, crying, stressed. But he always says he loves me and has learned to just deal with me, what??? I'm always left clueless and frustrated. He is a good talker and makes our problems sound small and somehow he always looks perfect as a father, husband everything.

I have asked him several times to please move out. I've even gone as far as telling him that I am the problem so he should just leave and find happiness. HE WILL NOT GO, his excuse is the kids need him. I don't know what else to do.

Comments for I am confused am I wrong

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Jan 07, 2014
Title on home
by: Anonymous

No, the home is just under my name. I purchased the home prior to the marriage. I did have a restraining order on him. It was hard to continue with it especially when the police dept really didn't want to enforce it and or he would leave before they arrived.

Jan 04, 2014
Co Owners Of The House
by: glitterandbruises.com

Do you own the house or is it in both of your names? I would think there must be a way to have him legally evicted from your home.

Nov 19, 2013
You are very valuable
by: Anonymous

Hi. It sounds to me as though you may have a poor self image. This can cause you to incorporate his verbal abuse. On some level, you probably agree.

But a sober look at your accomplishments clearly indicate you are very valuable and accomplished. You have 5 children, work, purchased your own house and have good parenting instincts.

I would suggest you talk to a counselor who can help you see your value. I have done the same and was greatly helped. It also greatly helped my children because having a confident mother provides good modelling. Apparently your husband has many of his own issues and could benefit from counselling. However, to me, what is important is that you get away from the verbal abuse and the way you are being used. It is also important for the kids.

I send you my love. Remember to love yourself.

Jul 06, 2013
I was married to this same man...
by: Anonymous

...and two years after we divorced, he was arrested by the FBI for soliciting sex from a 10-year-old.

Watch out for those smiley-faced men that everyone loves. They are charismatic and, to the kids, appear to be lots of fun. But darkness lies behind his curtains and his doors.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Relationship and Counseling Forum.

If you would like to receive the Couples Guide Newsletter containing articles on relationships, please sign up below.

Visit  The Relationship Forum  to get and give advice on your relationship issues.

If you're struggling with your relationship, this is the place to talk about it!
Our counselors will answer your questions.
And you, our readers, can offer advice from your experience.

Eugene Kayser, MA, MFT's profile on the Gottman Referral Network