I feel uncomfortable with husband's female friends
I have been with my husband for 3 1/2 years and married for almost 2. I sponsored him and his daughter to come to Canada. I relized that I have made a big mistake with the marriage and sponsorship.
He and his daughter (F,13) is born and raised in Jamaica. He has been in Canada 4 years now and his daughter only two months. The problem is the cultural differences. My parents were born in the same country but grew up in Canada. I realized what I have learned from my parents about the country is outdated and from another generation.
My husband told me before we married that he has female friends but he was dishonest about how close he was with them. I learned this 4 months into the marriage, when he invited a single female friend ( we will call her "Mary") with us on a date to the movies at the last minute without asking me. I said ok because I didn't know that it would continue. I thought he just made a mistake. I met her and they didn't act inappropriate. I discussed with him after to ask me/let me know ahead of time before inviting a friend. A few months later I overheard a conversation with him and Mary planning a group get together ( males and females) to go to Canada's Wonderland. He had asked her to plan it. I was upset and told him he should have told me prior to making plans without me but he got upset saying I don't want him to have a social life, which is not true. I am not able to go on extreme rides as it makes me sick. He said he didn't think it was a good idea I go because I would just be holding bags and coats. It just infuriates me because he made plans again with the same woman without asking me.
He met a coworker "Sarah"(F, 30)who is from Jamaica and has developed a close friendship with him. I am ok with him to have female friends but not more close or more intimate that with his wife. This friendship makes me uncomfortable because they worked long hours alone together. He worked with her a year and never actually told me about her until one night I was picking him up at work and he brought her to the car for a ride without asking me prior. I went along with it and continued to give her rides to and from his work to keep an eye out and see their interaction and get to know her. I regretted that after a while because He didn't want to stop and didn't want to ask her for money. I wanted money because she seldom says thanks. He bought her a bottle of wine for her birthday
and when my birthday came around I didn't receive anything not even a card from her. She calls him to ask where he is (and me sometimes). She asks him to call to check up on her when she goes on dates. She asked if she can come Christmas shopping with us. I said ok because again I wasn't informed of the whole situation prior. They were not inappropriate and he kept holding my hand like he was trying to prove something. She only bought one thing, a gift for both of us. I learned after she just wanted to come because she was bored. I'm uncomfortable that she wants to hang out with my husband.
To make a long story short, I am at my wits end. We argue about his female friends and the issues are never resolved. We saw a marriage therapist and because he told her what he tells me "There is nothing there, there is no problem" the therapist asked him to leave the session and told me privately to leave him. I plan to leave the marriage but I don't have much support.
I don't have any close friends to lean on and no one to really talk to except my therapist. My family encouraged me to stay (because of the sponsorship) which is why I am still with him. But I can't anymore. He will only now go to therapy if I pay and doesn't think he is doing anything wrong and thinks we don't need counseling. My husband is my only friend.
To top it off he works two jobs and when he gets the time off all he wants to do is sleep and play video games. I feel that he is more interested in other females than me. I feel that the wants and feelings from his friends are more important to him. When I tell him he is being inappropriate with them he defends them saying I don't want any friends, that I am unapproachable and that I don't want him to socialize. He feels that as long as he is not sleeping with them (nothing physical) that his behavior is ok. I told him he/we should be making friends with couples not single women but he disagrees.
I already feel bad for not having friends and he makes me feel worse. I have a hard time understanding friendships between males and females and feel that eventually someone develops feelings.
Now he wants me, him, his daughter, Sarah, Mary and Mary's son to all go to Canada's Wonderland together. I notice he hasn't invited any male friends which make me uncomfortable. I don't think I want to go. I just cant stand by and watch my husband go on rides with women alone.
Am I over reacting? What are your thoughts? Should I stay? Should I go?
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist