I have no clue what to think
I am at a point where I don't know if I am over-reacting or not. It is a complicated story. I have never had a lot of luck in relationships but by the age of 40 I finally got it right. I met my now husband when I was 39.
We were together for two to three years before we got married. And I was in heaven. For the first time in my life I had no reason to doubt my partner and it felt great to trust someone. We had been married for about 3 years before that changed.
I'm not really even sure what happened. I mean up to this point I had been blissfully happy with everything. My husband drove a truck and would be gone a couple days a week at a time. We weren't fighting at the time. In fact the only fight we ever had was when the grandbabies would come over and he didn't like it. He doesn't like little kids, they get on his nerves. Anyway we had been texting that day like usual and he was hating on his job but nothing different. I had been at a training and when I got off I was going to watch my grandbaby for an hour or two since he was in Indiana that night.
On my way to pick her up I just had this weird feeling so I drove past his work. And my world came crashing down. His work truck was in the lot and his personal vehicle was gone. I became a damn good investigator in that instant. Another thing I have no idea why I did it but I went online and checked our phone records. I wish I had done that sooner. He had been texting his ex. Daily. So I kept texting him not saying that I was freaking out but in my head I just knew he was with her. I looked her up figured out her address and drove past her house. When I didn't see his truck there I drove to every hotel in three towns. For hours I searched and couldn't find him. Finally when I couldn't take it any longer I called him. He sounded asleep. I asked him where he was he said in Indiana. I said in your big truck. He said yes. I said the one that is sitting here in the lot at work. He said no that one was in the shop earlier he was in the backup truck he takes. I said then where is your truck. He said it was at the shop where they take their trucks to be fixed.
I mean he never paused or hesitated. I couldn't argue because his work truck did break down alot. But I didn't feel any
better. And for the next couple of months I was lost. I asked why he had been texting his ex. He said I was being silly. He had bought life insurance from her. He had deleted all messages from his phone so I had no way of knowing anything. I even bought something that says it can bring back deleted texts and photos. Which is a lie. It didn't do anything for me.
Then one day I finally found a way to see some of it. And I was knocked off my ass again. I found texts to more than one ex. And I found the a text from the night he wasn't in Indiana. He was in a hotel in the one town I didn't drive to to look for him that night 30 minutes from the house. And he was telling her what room he was in and asking if she was coming. I confronted him and he tried to lie but I told him to give me his phone. Which he did because he knew he had deleted them. I pulled up what I could find and started reading it out loud to him. He finally admitted yes he had gotten a room and yes she stopped by for a few minutes but it was just to talk and he says she was telling him to give me a chance. He said he had been miserable because I kept letting the kids come over and that I knew he didn't like it.
Any way I will never know what really happened but we worked through that and I thought maybe we would be ok. He even got a different job where he is home every night. Yes I am sure he cheated on me that night even though he has always denied it. But I forgave him and want this marriage to work. But now I have no trust. And over the years I will still go in and check his phone from time to time. And then we end up fighting because I find stuff that to me is a big deal.
I know this is long and if anyone is reading this I really need help. In my head I do not think he has met with another woman or physically cheated since that night. But text messages are another issue. The most recent one I found was where he told the secretary at work she had a tush to die for and something about her cuteness and he asked what he was getting out of the deal. And I'm like WTF.
Why does he do this. How am I supposed to trust him. I want back what we had before but HOW!!!! If anyone has any advice I am driving myself crazy and would appreciate it.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist