I Married into a Bad Situation

by MsChaiTeaLatte
(California)

I married a interesting, competent, good provider, man 28 years ago. I cried when we decided to get together and now I know why. His family is duplicitous, exclusive and racist toward my whiteness.


When I first met this Native family I was thrilled to be a part of it as they are a large family and I had only one sibling and always wanted to be part of a big family. I was unable to have children and we agreed to adopt which we did. The first 5 or 6 years went well and I put all my efforts into being a good family member and Mom while raising our kids with their cousins.

During the first 20 years; I endured many slights including being left out of pictures, parties, outings, and conversations. I was understanding because I had compassion for generational trauma and family dysfunction. When my children were treated as second class family members, I started pushing back on all this. There have been too many hurt feelings, and emotional abuse to list, the slights and cruel acts are too numerous to count, and I don't want to be stuck cataloging the past. I did take an inventory of my life at this point and I decided to invest my time and attention elsewhere.

This family used me up without giving anything in terms of friendship and good will back. I finally quit going to Christmas because anything I brought was rejected and my attempts to join in were ignored or rejected. In fact anything good about me was ignored, and I was not a member of this family, only a prop or something that got in the way with their "relationship" with their brother. I quit going to Thanksgiving,
and Easter as well. My husband goes anyway and blames me for being a spoil sport. He says, "What? Are you going to stay home and pout? Then you will just miss out."

Over the next 8 years, I stayed in the relationship because I wanted our kids to have the home we promised when we adopted them. My husband was and is still a good father and remained in the marriage over some rough times with the kids. I have developed a good life for myself with lots of friends and interesting groups for social change. I joined a drum group, and support 3 important causes. The youngest is 17 now.

I am again sitting home by myself during a birthday party for my nephew because I drove around my husband's sister and her daughter on a dirt road where they had been blocking the road because they didn't know how to drive on it. I didn't know it was them and just beeped the horn to let them know I was there and went around because I am a good driver with experience on back roads and there was someone behind me. When I passed their car, I noticed it was them. I didn't think anything of it until the rage was again directed at me. Then the 2 sisters and all their kids, everyone there, all treat me with scorn if I dared to show up.

I am tired of this. My husband cut me off from affection and physical contact 20 years ago so I have learned to live without that, (we are Catholic) but as I sit here, I wish there was somewhere I could go. Some other life I could have had. Is it too late for me?

Click here to post comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Relationship and Counseling Forum.

Eugene Kayser Marriage Therapist

Gene Kayser uses the Gottman Method Couples Therapy system with it's proven techniques & strategies for couples who want to save their relationship. This is a "nuts and bolts" approach based on 40 years of research & treatment.

For a free 20 minute consultation, Call or Text:

(215) 813-8633

"You gave us counseling without making either one of us feel that you were taking sides.
You always maintained your impartiality with us. You encouraged Rita to be more assertive in stating what she wanted to get from your counseling sessions, as well as what she wanted to get from the relationship.
You taught both of us better communication between ourselves, which lead to an emotional comfort level between us that didn't exist before.
You took control of the direction of the session if things were not moving along.
Thanks so much
for helping us."

Rita and Mark

If you would like to receive the Couples Guide Newsletter containing articles on relationships, please sign up below.



Visit  The Relationship Forum  to get and give advice on your relationship issues.

If you're struggling with your relationship, this is the place to talk about it!
Our counselors will answer your questions.
And you, our readers, can offer advice from your experience.