I married the wrong person

by Anonymous

Please help me.

I've been married to my husband for almost 2 years, but we have been together for 7. I am at the stage where if I were not married, I would break up with him. It would be a hard breakup, but I feel it would be the right move.

I feel like we have nothing in common and looking back, I don't think we ever really did. I went into the marriage with doubts and I remember thinking "oh well I suppose people get divorced all the time". Just before he proposed, like half an hour beforehand, I thought to myself "do I still love him?" And then he proposed and I cried for almost 2 hours. I figured things would work out and I got caught up in the whirlwind that is planning a wedding. I was too stupid and stubborn to see the warning signs. I know what I have done is extremely selfish.

I try to do things with him but he always has an excuse not to hang out with me, unless it's at home on the couch. But even then he isn't very affectionate and it's got to the stage where I felt like that was my fault, that there must be something wrong with me. Basically, if it's not his idea; it's not a good idea. He doesn't try to get into any of my interests and when he does do things with me I'm either genuinely surprised, or I feel like he's doing me a favour.
I believe that you should be married to your best friend and I have found myself wondering several times if we weren't married, would we even be friends?

But then I started talking to my friend and we hit it off. I'd been friends with him for some years, but we'd never paid attention to each other. But now we realize that we have everything under the sun in common and even though neither of us have said it, we would be great together. It took me realizing this with another man, to make me realize my husband and I aren't right and all the inadequacy I'd been feeling wasn't my fault.

My husband is a good man, and I love him, but I'm not in love with him and even though I know I could make this work, I don't know if I want to. I don't want to spend my life being complacent.

I'm not going to leave him tomorrow, but at the same time, my friend who has "secret" feelings for me (and vice versa) is seeing another girl and I'm terrified that if I delay, I'll lose him too and we could be everything we've ever wanted.

I know I need to take my feelings for my "friend" completely out of the picture, but it's hard and I don't want to lose my chance.

I'm unhappy, I have been for a while, and I'm not sure what I should do.

If someone could invent a time machine, that would be great, thank you.

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Eugene Kayser, MA, MFT's profile on the Gottman Referral Network