I proposed to my girlfriend, but it didn't go as planned and now eveything is ruined
I proposed to my girlfriend last night, we've been dating for close to three years now and have talked about marriage a lot and got promise rings last month.
I have told her time and time again not to propose to me, as she wanted to, because I wanted to prove to her that when it happened I could make it really special and romantic for her, because I knew that she would love to have that memory to hold onto and remember forever,
She is a very sentimental person who cherishes special moments, they are very big and very important to her. And that's not to say she's a materialistic person, I could have given her a $.25 ring and proposed at a gas station and she would have been over the moon!
But I didn't get her a ring like I had planned, I have been saving up for a ring for a year now but every time my savings went up, something happened that made me lose every penny (moving across the country, surprise expenses for moving and rent/bills, etc.).
Here's how it happened:
Last night we were looking at cruises for the future because we wanted an idea of how our Honeymoon would be and where we would go (like I said we have talked about marriage a lot and knew we wanted it and everything that came with it), we started talking about saving up for them and started planning on how to save up best so that we could take the cruise we wanted. In that moment it just hit me that I couldn't keep waiting and losing my savings and doing it all over and over again and I just HAD to be engaged to this girl, so I got down on one knee and proposed, without a ring or anything I just asked her and said I couldn't wait any longer.
I've asked her lots of times before if she wanted to marry me but they were never actual proposals, and she couldn't tell if this was one of those times. She was super confused, and I could tell she wasn't living in the moment at ALL. I was determined to make her understand that YES this was real and I wanted it and this was me proposing to her, but it never even fully sunk in until the moment had passed and she 'realized' she said yes to a real proposal.
So now she doesn't have that moment to cherish, in a way, because she wasn't living in it. And she felt like I didn't care enough to try
or I didn't care enough to put any effort in at all to plan or even get a ring at all, even if just one from a quarter machine. Now she doesn't have a place holder at all, so when she tells people and they ask her about her ring and ask her how it happened, she doesn't have anything to show for it and the story she tells just gives people the impression that this was some sort of "on the fly" thing that we didn't take seriously.
I so badly wanted her to be able to happily tell everyone she knew so that she could have this experience, because she's been wanting this since she was a child and it's just been so different and so hyped up in her mind.
Now she doesn't even want a wedding or a honeymoon, every time I mention it she just says that it doesn't matter, being married is what matters and what's important to her and that we shouldn't make a big deal out of the wedding or honeymoon. We could just go sign some papers and be done with it, like we may as well. I just know I ruined this for her, she feels like I don't care about the sentimentality of it all. I am the type of person who breezes through life and doesn't take as much time appreciating things as she does, but I do want this one thing at least to be a big celebration. I want to remember it that way, and I know that she does too. But I feel like I took that away from her, because this was such a massive let down that she can't even hype herself up about the other stuff for fear of being disappointed again.
My fiancee feels like I don't care, she feels as though I'm not willing to put effort into this stuff because I just don't cherish these moments like she does, and she won't let me buy her a ring now because she wants to do it (for some reason??)
I just hate this, I hate that we both got stressed and anxious and confused about everything when it happened and we cried all night and I've been crying all morning. We should be happy, but I can't help feeling like I should have called it off and said I was not serious when she was initially confused last night, or that she should have said no. I want to be happy about this but to be honest I just took this BIG experience from her and I hate it.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist