I guess I just want to know, is this normal? Am I THAT wrong?
For the most part I've been a stay at home mother. I've always kept a spotless home, school time and craft time was done everyday in the years prior to preschool, home cooked meals. (The only time my house suffered was when I worked 3rd) Now that my child is in school, so am I. I finish soon and will be returning to work once again. Even when in school, or working, if I do not do it, it does not get done. I'm talking everything down to my husband walking past dinner, going to bed and I wake up to crusty food, dishes and mess! I'm talking coming home from school or work to every light in the house on, the coffee pot on, dried cereal, milk and cereal bowl from our child all over the table and the trash over flowing. I'm talking three weeks without the lawn mowed, or cleaned up. I'm talking no groceries in the house unless I put them there. And no, that's not all.
Imagine this... I've cooked dinner, because he told me he was on his way home, only to be making plates and get a phone call he's going out with the guys. He only does the bare minimum, and half-assed at that. Everything from our marriage to the child. It never matters if I'm tired. It never matters that I start my day at 5-5:30am and end it at 12-1am.
I have been training myself to keep my mouth closed because i don't want our child to hear the things he accuses me of anymore. A child which
gets the majority of her attention from me. I am never consoled. But I am wrong, always. I really honestly do not remember a time my feelings, opinions or actions were accepted, praised, understood or validated. If someone offered me a million dollars to name the last compliment, surprise, gift or affection I received from my husband I'd still be broke! When your 4 year old Child asks why mommy is the only one not opening presents on Christmas morning what do you say?
But I could go on longer than JK Rowling did with Harry Potter about the criticism, put downs, emotional and physical neglect and about how I have two children in this marriage rather than just the one I actually gave birth to. The blaming is all day everyday, "I wouldn't argue in front of our child if you didn't poke the bear." "You bring it on yourself." (In reference to his families slander and bullying of me.) When my psychologist tells me this is all very wrong, I beg him to seek help, he discredits her professionalism and ability to see me for who I am.
The majority of the time I wonder if I really am an evil person. I wonder what it would be like to enjoy sex before I shrivel up. Maybe I'm just ungrateful, 4-6 times a year isn't bad for a 28 year old, right? My birthday was miserable. At the end of the day I got a "I haven't been the best today, I'm sorry. I was going to get you a spa certificate but I didn't know where."
I just don't understand. If I could just figure out what's so wrong with me.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist