It doesn't really get better

When I was little, I had a few panic attacks (we're talking third grade here) and I was taken to a counselor. My mom couldn't see through this horrible-nightmare-counselor-lady and as soon as my mother left, she asked me prodding questions- the sort of stuff you don't ask a third grader- about my divorced father. She would keep rephrasing a question until she got an answer that "she wanted," which was usually trying to pit me against my dad. I would end every session bordering on tears and for a solid three years, I would make a fit anytime I had to go and cry myself to sleep for months on end after each appointment.

She didn't help my severe inattentive-type ADHD, which is becoming more and more of a problem as I'm older. All that she ever said was "take deep breaths and it will be fine."

I got old enough to realize that enough was enough, so I demanded to my mother after three years of interrogation that I wouldn't go back, ever. And I haven't gone back. I've sworn to myself to never talk to anyone about my "feelings" ever again. And ever since I was ten, I still haven't.

Now, everything's spiraling in on myself and I'm afraid to reach out again, and now it's a lot worse than panic attacks and forgetting stuff. I'll have days where I feel so sad that the only real solution is to suffocate myself with my sheets until I pass out after school. I'll have out-of-body experiences that are so downright terrifying, that all I can do is sit and wait it out, trying to make myself pass out just so that it can end.

And I've told no one.

I convince myself it's fine and that life gets better, but everything comes back if even the tiniest trigger sets me off, like someone ignoring me for only a minute, or dropping something in the hallway and playing it off as being fine, but it's really not fine and the only thing I can do is make myself faint again so I can sleep.

I can't manage the ADHD and everything else anymore- it's just a constant battle with myself every second of the day that I always loose.

It's a battle with myself that I don't think I'm able to do any longer.

Click here to post comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to horror stories.

If you would like to receive the Couples Guide Newsletter containing articles on relationships, please sign up below.

Visit  The Relationship Forum  to get and give advice on your relationship issues.

If you're struggling with your relationship, this is the place to talk about it!
Our counselors will answer your questions.
And you, our readers, can offer advice from your experience.

Eugene Kayser, MA, MFT's profile on the Gottman Referral Network