Lonely in my marriage
I am a 30 year old woman. I have been married to my husband for nearly 4 years and we have been together for nearly 9 years. We have a 2 year old son together and have just bought our dream house.
We first got together when I was in my early 20's (he is 7 years older than me). Our relationship was good but soon issues surfaced. My husband places massive importance on physical attraction. Needless to say, after 9 years, much has changed with both our physical appearances. I have gone up 2 sizes (the 2nd one being more to do with comfort after having a c-section so I don't like to wear tight fitting clothes) and he has gone up 3 sizes and about 30 kilos.
His size doesn't bother me. What bothers me is he says he is not as attracted to me because of my appearance. I don't think I am unattractive and I even feel more womanly after having my son. I have always been curvy (junk in the trunk) and have never been the sporty type. I do however watch my diet and I don't drink often or smoke. I do have a stomach shelf after my c-section and have been advised by my Dr that it will only go away with plastic surgery. I am also back to my pre-pregnancy weight.
I feel like he is projecting his insecurities on to me. Every time I try to address it with him, he gets angry and tells me I am just not as sexy as I used to be. I can logically wrap my head around the fact that he is projecting, but my feelings still get hurt. Other than that he is a good provider, we get on well and he is a good father to our boy.
There is sex, but no intimacy, no affection and very little understanding. I miss being desired and I am getting to the point where I am even considering stepping outside of my marriage to meet that need. I don't want to divorce. Do I just have to accept it as a reality that this is my life and let go of wanting to be wanted?
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist