Long journey

by Sam
(Philadelphia, PA, USA)

My husband and I have been together for 17 years. We have had our fair share of ups and downs. From financial hardships, death, grief, 2 kids, learning disabilities, alcoholism, cheating and at one point 3 years ago we were pretty much. We were done and somehow through therapy we came back together.

We moved out of state and started anew. It was rocky, but we were in it together. I was 2 years sober and his eyes were with his family.
Then COVID happened. He was paranoid the earth was coming to an end and drinking everyday. I was battling my sobriety alone and dealing w 2 teens recently relocated trying to homeschool. He lost his mind several times. Yelling and screaming and acting insane.

But again we got through it, but I started to drink again and albeit I was back to my old ways but he was there with me and honestly we were having fun. Sex was great and we held hands in the grocery store. We even became a little more adventurous in bed. I was happy.

This lasted 2-3 months and then he started to complain about his weight and was working out more and spending more time on the phone, being secretive. I had an upcoming surgery for an ovarian cyst and I was nervous having never had anything like this before. About a week before my surgery I asked him about his recent behavior and asked about a particular name I saw on his phone, he said “she is not the one you need to worry about it”. “We are just friends”. I did not go further as I know how he can get when pushed but did not like the tone of the conversation.

Surgery arrives on a Thursday, he is there for me, supportive and great. I’m in pain and he is really chipping in. He tells me he has to travel on Sunday for work, which doesn’t make sense. Since COVID no one is traveling. And I see him on his phone being secretive. I ask him who he is talking to and he throws his Apple Watch and phone. Tells me he is having a weight loss competition w some old friends and he can’t tell me anything bc I am crazy and suspicious and insecure. We get into a huge fight and horrible things are said, more from him. I go up to my room and cry. I come back down pleading for him to talk to me and tells me to get the f-ck away from him. I disgust him and all me horrible names. He finally comes upstairs at 11:30 and I try to talk to him but the berating continues until he leaves, early for his “business trip”. Instead of leaving Sunday am he left the night before.

This is all because I asked who are you texting. A simple question. With I guess not so simple answer. But that is neither here nor there. I’ve been here before, more than I’d like to be and I don’t want to be be here again. I’m so heartbroken and compromised. I’m beaten down past repair. My eyes are heavy and my heart sad, very sad. It’s not even broken it’s just crumbled. I’m alone in a far away place and have been low like this before. I’ve called the friends and cried on their shoulders. I don’t want to be her anymore. I want to be strong and confident but I never feel that way. He knows what to say and how to say it to make he feel so insignificant. And i know it is my fault. I give him the power over me. I know it.

I just want it to be over and for it to be okay.