Lost in a sea of sadness
Hi everyone. . We are known as a power couple/inspiration to others etc. hear it all the time. Beautiful kids and founded and own a very successful biz. Living life.
Back in August (so 7 months ago) my phone was improperly working in a hotel, so while my hub was sleeping I used his phone to check some work emails. I worked for a while and then went to check on the spam folder bc some of our clients info accidentally goes there every now and then.
I noticed that his had a good amount of stupid porn ads. So I checked my email junk to compare — mine came up with none. I first thought well they know he’s a man, but wth? Women like porn too right?
So I decide to look further and eventually found an email account (through a lot of connecting a trillion cookie crumbles) After about 2 hours I managed to change all of his recovery numbers and emails to mine. I gained access to his secret account and my life changed in seconds.
My husband had been going into CRAIGSLIST personals. I found 10 emails back and forth with a woman saying that she and her hubs want a couple to just have fun sex with. She sent videos and pics and spoke extremely sexual and explicit. My husband and her were creating a plan to have us go out one night and “see where it all goes ... Hotel etc l” The 3 of them would all be in on it and I was apparently going to get tipsy while she hit on me and blah blah.
Soooo... I discovered that my husband ... 1. Obviously desires to have sex with others albeit with me (I’m not gay or even bi btw). 2. That he can go behind my back and search for months for sexual partners for “us“ 3. I learned that my husband and I have a very huge difference that I hurt so deeply about — he is open to us having sex with others as long as together .. this alone cripples me.
7 months I wake and play the pain off — for us, our lives, our children, family and friends.
I couldn’t be more In love with him but I can’t seem to stop grieving what feels like the death of end of all that was before I knew this. It haunts me daily and I suffer in silence.
And I found out that he was also looking at porn a good bit. the betrayal is something I just can’t shake. Also, he seems unable to beg for forgiveness or even acknowledge how robbed I’ve been.
Everyday he acts not only as if nothing ever happened and that I’m ridiculous for hurting but he also doesn’t really regret it other than the pain I express I’m going through.