missing my ex girlfriend after 19 years and married for the same amount of time/considering divorce now
by Luis Perpetuo
(Miami, Florida, USA)
I am facing a strange emotional problem that makes me feel really frustrated and sad. I cannot even explain it well but this is real since I feel it and it is painful. I have been reading other web sites/forums about a possible explanation to my situation and the only explanation I have at this point is something similar to what happens to an addicted person that after years of being sober, it felt down and became addicted again as the contradictions for that to happen have been met. The only difference here is that I am dealing with an emotion and not a drug.
Let's start. I will write the important facts. My apologies about my broken English.
I used to love this girl with all my heart years ago (more than 18 years ago). Yes, it happened a long time ago. We spent amazing moments together for about 2 or 3 years and I have to write it again (amazing moments). I think she was my my soulmate (at least I think this way about her now. I am not sure if she thought or thinks the same way about me). We were going to get marry but there was something back in my mind (beside family's advice) that told me not to. She cheated on me when we were starting (she was going out with another guy and me for about 1 month or two). She picked me at the end (after I confronted her) and after months of me considering the situation and after her begging me, we ended up together and that last about 2 years. She dedicated her time to make me forget those moments, and she did with patient, dedication, careness and love. I loved her back with all my heart. She was amazing in bed. However, after I left our native country, I left her (I was not sure about takig her with me in my new journey). She visited me here in the USA a few times and we thought we could be together, but pression from my family made me decide not to. We also lost a child, which at this point I have doubts that the child was me, although she has insisted it was mine. I have doubts based on the fact how we started and since she was living in our native country and I was living here in the states, although she was visiting. Months passed and suddenly she lost the baby. This confused me and it was not clear what happened.
Anyway. that happened 18 years ago.
A year or so after our separation, I met another girl and I married her and now we have kids together (one of them is a teenager 16, the little one is 9 years old)...
Lately I have been struggling with issues at work. I have a boss that plays games and makes me feel useless (another topic), and I have a teenager girl that she is struggling with depression, addiction (mild) and a lot things typical at her age.. We also moved to another city that I don't like
My wife doesn't pay too much attention to me. She spent years in College so that she could get a better job, and I agreed with that and I supported her by taking care of our children on her absence from home. She got her degree, but for whatever reason she doesn't give
me too much attention. She is an amazing mom however. The best for my kids and my kids love her with all their hearts. We have now almost 18 years of marriage. However, I can say that I married her without feeling the passion that I should have had in a relationship but I picked her since she looked like as the best mom of my children, which is. However, for the first 10 or 11 years, the family concept made me feel what I needed ( I came from a divorced family), but then I started to miss the passion..
So, lately a lot problems at home, sad moments, frustration... etc blah blah blah have happened to me. My wife sleeps on a sofa in the living room since she gets tired easily after doing the laundry at nights. I sleep in our bedroom as normal with my youngest one. This has become a routine. Sex is very little, about 20-30 times A YEARS. I have had to please myself, which makes me feel frustrated and not normal (I am 51 years old). I cannot tell this to her. We had family therapy 6 or 7 years ago and it was not good. She cried a lot and she reminded me that I wanted to get a divorce at that time, which I was not literally into that but I wanted to feel happy, which I was not.
Now, suddenly after 18 years, I felt the desire to know about my ex-girlfriend and I found her online and I wrote her a message "Hi".. I wanted to find out how she was doing. We sent each other a couple of nice messages but then I felt like I am missing her a lot (I don't know why) and I told her that I couldn't be in contact with her anymore since I feel vulnerable to her and I am married. So, I told her "good bye".. She didn't accept the goodbye and instead she asked me "why is wrong with being a friend. We don't even live in the same state", but I didn't accept it. So, she accepted the goodbye (Adios) with sadness..
Since that moment I cannot take her out of my mind... I searched pictures of her online and I saw that she is now prettier that when I left her.. She seems to be alone with no kids.. So, I wrote her back but she hasn't responded me yet.. Almost 2 months has passed without any response.
I know that I cannot get back to my ex girlfriend but I am now in a position to thinking about my marriage. Having 3 children has forced me to sacrifice my personal happiness and being married with my wife so that my children don't be impacted by a separation.
I know that I need to stop thinking about ex. I cannot even explain why I feel this way now after 18 years..
Just two months ago, I was relatively fine.. now I feel really sad, depressed and waiting for my ex to write me back, which I don't think it is going to happen.
I am struggling thinking about getting a divorce. I need to see the pros and cons, but I think there are more pros of getting a divorce. My big problem is my children, but at the time the fact that I am not happy, that I am getting old.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist