Mother talks disrespectfully towards me still at 27

by “Woman child”
(Louisiana )

For as long as I can remember my mother has been eccentric and explosive when it comes to emotions and dealing with stress. It’s always been this way and I’m so used to it I just deal with it until it passes, usually a day to a week sometimes. She has these periods where she just stays mad and takes it out on everyone, even our pets.

It’s all tolerable now that I’ve realized I am actually not doing anything wrong, but the way she speaks to me sometimes still really frustrates me. And having my husband’s perspective to how abusive she is towards me has really opened my eyes. I’ve talked to her too many times to remember about this and she’s gotten worse actually. I lived at home longer than most so I could put myself through college. I moved out at 24. I married shortly after and now have a 2 year old.

I quit my great job to stay home with my child until she is a little older. When my mom visits me she accuses me of being depressed, my husband not being ready to be a father, my Home being dirty, and me being neglectful of my own child. These are the reoccurring comments. All of these comments have 0 merit. For example: when she says I’m depressed it’s because I say I’m tired or that I napped when my baby napped. Or she noticed I gained weight and that’s “what depression does to people”. She accuses me of neglecting my
child if i mention getting a sitter for more than one night in a row.

I could go on and on about these ideals she has for me. Sometimes she invites us over to stay the weekend. I only do it every so often because I can hardly take it anymore, but my parents love seeing their only grandchild. This is when she’s said the most hurtful thing to me. “You need to grow up”. She said this to me when she noticed the guest room (my old bedroom) had laundry on the floor. She opened our door unannounced, looked around and said I need to clean the room then said what she had originally came in for. Out of anger I said “you need to mind your own business, please leave our room.” Her response was that this is her business because it’s her house. I told her I’m not a child and I don’t need her telling me what to do. I’ll do my laundry when I want before the weekend was over. That’s when she laughed and shook her head scoffing “you need to grow up”. I almost cried until my husband calmed me down.

Why does she say things like this to me? How can I get through to her that she needs to lay off of me. Constant ridicule is getting to be so much that I don’t want her to visit any more. Even now I’m only doing it for our child to be involved with my parents. I’m at my wits end.

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Eugene Kayser, MA, MFT's profile on the Gottman Referral Network