My BF is texting prostitutes and other women...
Hi. So we’ve been dating for 1.5 years. Both come from loveless and distinctions marriages. When he’s not being absolutely horrible to me he’s the most amazing person I’ve ever known. Treats me well, loves all the same things and makes me feel good about myself, usually...
For the first few months he was absolutely amazing and I finally let myself trust a man fully. Drama w his ex wife and kids led to him breaking up with me very early on and going back to her for a month. I forgave him. Then she stopped letting him see his kids because she hated that we were happy together.
That’s where everything started to really go downhill. His drinking got really bad. He is an alcoholic and I won’t lie I regularly participate in consumption mainly because it’s too difficult not to drink when around someone who is. But I could easily toss the bottle and not think twice. He is physically and mentally addicted, to the point of physical withdrawals if he doesn’t have it. He even got a DUI a few months ago which led to me having to drive him to and from work an hour each way as well as playing taxi driver for his kids when he did get to see them for 3 months.
Additionally he recently stopped taking an anxiety medication for no reason. Lastly, in my non expert opinion I truly believe he is either bipolar or has borderline personality disorder. And BTW I’m not perfect, I deal with bouts of depression and I really don’t handle conflict well due to a very dysfunctional upbringing coupled with two abusive marriages.
Last year he started becoming randomly mean while drinking. He would be very apathetic, accusatory, jealous, and downright hateful. This would lead to a break up for a day or two in which he would ignore all my communications and attempts to resolve. It wasn’t until we made up after my birthday that I discovered what else he had been up to.
I discovered he has regularly been on dating and prostitute websites. He has multiple accounts some created since we’ve been together and even using profile photos of picture I took of him while on vacation together. It gets worse. I’ve found the messages where multiple times he has arranged to meet these other women including prostitutes.
When I first confronted him he completely denied having done any of it. Then he said it was just entertainment that guys at work put on his phone. Then he said he started doing it when he was single as a way to connect with other women without having to go out to bars. He said he never actually met with any of them but got off on making them think they were going to meet and getting them
to send him dirty pictures so he could masturbate.
In my heart I don’t believe that he never actually met with these women. His behaviors of random breakups followed by days binging on this activity don’t lead me to believe anything else. Am I wrong?
Our arguments have gotten really bad lately. What bothers me the most is how he can go from talking about us spending our lives together, building a home etc then 15 minutes later be breaking up with me and saying horrible things. He promises that he’s no longer on any of the sites and said I could always look at his phone as long as I did it with him so he could explain anything. To be clear, he ALWAYS has and wants access to my phone, regularly snoops through all of my info and has even gone through everything in my bedroom and office. It’s like he’s always looking for something I’ve done wrong even though I’ve never given him a reason to.
He on the other hand has not only done all this messaging at the very least but always keeps his ringer off when I’m around, guards his phone and iPad vehemently and often leaves them in the car when we’re together.
Last night he was scrolling through open tabs on his phone when I caught sight of one that looked like he was once again on hooker websites. I asked him what it was and if I could see it. He immediately got defensive and started an argument. I told him this wasn’t going to work for me that I wanted to trust him again but need the reassurance of being able to see what he’s been up to for it. As is his usual MO he was quick to just break up rather than resolve.
I don’t know what to do or what to believe anymore. I’m able to forgive if the behavior actually stops but he’s not giving me any reason to believe it is. Do you think he actually cheated or is this truly just a twisted way to get off? And why? Our sex life is truly amazing.
Am I crazy for considering the messaging and photo swapping a form of cheating and expect it to stop? Do you think his behaviors are due to the alcohol is is it just his true self coming out when he drinks? I’m so lost. I love him so much and my kids do too. I don’t want to go through another heart ache never knowing if he truly did the things I think he did. I also don’t want to live a life of heartache feeling worried that he’s cheating and always feeling so on edge that he will toss me aside so quickly in a moment of drunken rage. I’m just so sad and lost.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist