My husband is my roommate
We're only 21 and 22 years old, and have been married for three years, with a two year old daughter and another baby due in August.
After I got pregnant with our first everything has gone downhill. We used to be so passionate, but this responsibility made my husband throw himself into his work to the point of causing him anxiety attacks. During my first pregnancy, he went to the hospital as an 18 year old with chest pains FIVE TIMES. I don't work, but my husband has "old fashioned" views that I shouldn't, and we agreed it would be smarter to have me stay at home at least until the kids go to school.
All of his stress made me have a really shitty pregnancy, and I lost trust in him for telling me ridiculous lies to keep me from breastfeeding and he even tried to convince me it would be a good idea to opt for a c-section instead of trying natural birth.
After our first was born, I felt fat and unattractive and he confirmed that feeling by denying me any affection. I was left home alone with a newborn and postpartum depression, and when I tried to express my suicidal feelings, I was told I was crazy and he would take our daughter away from me. He doesn't understand why I told him on our anniversary that I don't
feel in love with him anymore. He doesn't understand why I so intensely fear those situations repeating themselves that I desired an abortion instead of being happy and excited.
Any time we've thought about breaking up, we just can't though. We have a lot of good history, but I think I'm just too financially dependent on him to leave. I don't even usually have any of my own spending money, while he spends thousands on old muscle cars and parts. In discussions he's even said that it's "his money" like me raising our children is lazy me just sitting on my ass.
As far as what I do wrong, quite honestly I feel entitled to my behavior. I tried to act normal for a long time at my expense, loving and caring. I just don't care anymore, it's never gotten me anything good. I'm not affectionate, I don't want sex ever, I am critical of everything he says and hold a serious grudge. I can't seem to let go of those past hurts.
I don't know what to do, he refuses marriage counseling because he thinks counseling is "dumb" just because he had a shitty counselor after his girlfriend died his eighth grade year. And if I leave I'm screwed. I have no money saved, and none that I can start saving. No job, no driver's license, no skills, no degree, not even a diploma.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist