My marriage is failing
(Riverside, Ca )
I have been married for 10 years, but have been with my husband off and on for a total of 19 years. Had 2 children prior to marriage. Cheating occurred early on in the relationship...
I loved him so I forgave and stayed with him. When I found out he cheated again I left him, we were separated for 4 years, we got back together again, children were 6 and 4 at this time. Got married shortly after, a few years in he withdrew himself from me.
I noticed it right away... confronted him and he stated he wasn’t sure he was in love with me anymore. He was seeing someone at this time but I didn’t know it, he never admitted it to me. He was lying to me a lot. After a year of this I decided to leave him again... he initially agreed we should separate. A couple weeks later fought to keep me. Gave me all the promises, he would go to counseling with me, go to church and do anything to make this work. This was about 4-5 years ago.
We were good since then until recently, as of the beginning of this year he has withdrawn himself again from me. The difference between now and then is he talks to me about what’s going on where as the previous times he didn’t care to talk to me. He states this time is different, he’ says he not cheating, no woman involved. He claims he’s struggling with himself a lot and not feeling like a good man worthy of me or anything for that matter.
He hasn’t been the best provider for us, I’ve held it down financially for quite sometime now. He hasn't Brought much to the table throughout the years other than heartache and he feels terrible about it and it’s weighing on him. Now he tells me sometimes he wishes I would just leave him so I can be happy.
I get upset because I feel like he’s pushing me away all the time. The whole relationship I feel like a yo-yo, no consistency. Up and down. My heart is broken and I no longer have anything left to give. I’m empty. Kids are now 15, 13, 9 years old. I’m sure the kids feel what’s going on. Dad sleeps on the couch (his doing).
I don’t know what to do. Apart of me feels so stupid for being here after so many years. I'm a strong spiritual woman, but somehow I feel I’ve went wrong instead of right. Is my husband going through a midlife crisis or is he just a messed up person? Is this common?
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist