My sister in law complains about me to my husband and in laws. How should I handle this?

by Stressed out
(USA )

I am an Indian woman married for 3.5 years now. My husband is sweet, loving and gem of person. He has two elder sisters and a brother. My husband is the youngest in the family. He is closer to one of his sisters as compared to his other siblings. This sister is the one that causes problems in our marriage. I get along well with my husband’s other siblings and their spouses as well.


The SIL has been very interfering in our lives even before we were engaged. She had to know everything beforehand... what I am wearing for my wedding, where are we going for honeymoon, if I was getting a bikini wax. That is none of her business. She is two years older than me and a married woman. I expected her to be a little mature but it looks like she has no manners at all and even now keeps pressing to ask details about things in our marriage that don’t concern her at all. After all these years I am already fed up of her and my husband knows that I will never get along well with her. He understands how irritating his sister is and tries to calm me down. I have told him we need boundaries from her, and we try not to mention anything in front of her so that she starts asking details about everything as usual. I feel that she is jealous of me and my professional achievements in life.

My in-laws were very happy when my husband and I got married. It was so nice to receive love and appreciation from my in-law family, but she started complaining about me behind my back to my in-laws. My parents-in-law and I don’t share a good relationship anymore because they talk bad about me behind my back as well now. Basically this family is very high on gossiping which is something I really hate. I usually try to ignore this gossip and it really hurts when my in laws criticize my way of doing things on a regular basis.

Anyway, my husband and I moved to USA as we got a job opportunity here. We decided to buy a home where my husband’s parents could live independently after we move. The home is in our name but it is meant for my in laws and the place is near where my husband’s other siblings live so that family is close in case of any medical needs. They were very happy with the home we bought and I put most of my savings in it. They told us they were proud and very happy as it was a dream for them to have a place for them. While decorating the home, we gave some suggestions on how they can give the home a modern look with the furniture and walls. They are traditional and don’t really want to understand what we tell them. It was hurtful when they started being rude to my husband about it and even started saying things like I make them feel it is not their home and I continuously fight with them. I was taken aback when they discussed this with my SIL and she then complained to my husband about me based on this. My husband was
on this with me 100% and told her that the parents are lying and he was there when the conversation happened. He told her they are overreacting. I was personally at a loss when I was attacked like this. We were really excited about the home too and felt we did a good gesture for his parents. It seems we cannot even give a suggestion for a home we bought with our hard earned money.

I have a feeling my SIL must be really jealous that I got to move to USA with my husband and now continuously keeps asking if she should also relocate to US or Canada. It would be too much for me if it happens and surely she will try to rock my relationship with my husband. My husband is gentle and cannot confront his family even when he knows they are acting obnoxiously. A few days ago, my father-in-law made a racist comment on a family chat group and I told him that’s not a nice thing to say. I would say this even to my own parents, siblings, friends etc. Somehow my SIL found this an excuse to complain about me to my husband. She personally messaged my husband that I should not say such things to my father-in-law. My husband defended me and that we should try to teach good things to family whenever possible. My SIL on the other hand hates that we have a different opinion on these things and says things like our education is useless if we cannot be nice to family. She is not well educated herself and maybe this was her way to make herself feel better about herself. I don’t know.... but she has been complaining about me to my husband ever since we got married.

My husband tried to make her see our point of view on things but she always ignores it. She instigated fights between us earlier, but we understand each other better now. My husband tries to make her understand but just gives up to her rants now. He agrees with me on her behavior but cannot ask her to shut up when she complains about me. Ideally I would’ve expected my husband to tell his sister that he will not tolerate this behavior from her, but it looks like this is too much to ask. He just says some of his family members have small minds incapable of understanding the bigger things and tries to console me. I love my husband, but it leaves me stressed and hurt, especially when this concerns my dignity.

Whenever she complains about me to my husband she asks him not to tell this to me. She acts as if nothing happened behind my back and talks nicely to me face to face. I feel this is such a hypocritical behavior. Why cannot she say things to me directly where I can defend myself? I know I can get irritated easily with interfering, dual faced people and honestly have tried to ignore a lot of such behaviors but I am at a point in life where I am beginning to feel that there is no reward for being good to people. The only reward I wanted from this family was respect for me and upholding my dignity.

Comments for My sister in law complains about me to my husband and in laws. How should I handle this?

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Oct 05, 2022
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		Old fashioned lady trolls
by: Anonymous

I feel for you because both of my SIL's are gossipy trolls who use their position as Daddy's girls against me. They grew up never hearing no and spend all day sending out saccharine group texts to the entire family because none of them would ever dare standing up to them and in turn their parents who treat them like princesses even though they are both OVER 50. In fact one is over 60 yet she still acts like a little girl and this is not my problem because I am not her parent. My parents in law spoiled the $#!+ out of their kids so there's no point in trying to explain to them why you shouldn't let your daughters use their position against the DIL.

Being an In law is an impossible situation so I have decided to back off from trying to be friends with people who spread rumors. They are jealous of women who have their own life, career, identity, and money because they are tied to their father's apron strings. They are totally saccharine with the family while I am honest about who I am to my parents because I'm not so spoiled that the only person who can tolerate me is my mother or father. They raised them to be brats who always get their way so guess who has to always come second to princess. They are jealous because their brother is one of the only people on earth that lets them have their way and he is now married to me. I get to have him all the time so they can't boss him around like when they were kids. My sister in law is overtly racist but everyone tiptoes around her, afraid that someone might tell her the truth about how she is horrible person. Her parents and the rest of the family pretend she is a good person and expect me to look the other way as she disperages people like myself who don't have rich Daddies like her. I'm supposed to let her abuse me like my husband who is the black sheep. So many sexist women manipulate the women in laws in their family because everyone is afraid of the ruining of their reputation.

She is playing a game with you that you can never win because despite her being a snake her parents look at her as an innocent child. They did not raise her to respect others they allowed her to be a jerk because they had low expectations. Gossipy female trolls reign free in families because people are so sexist that they believe women should be looked at like babies. They can't imagine a manipulative woman even existing since they only want to use us to take care of the house. If you allow your kid to be rude to others they will grow up to be rude to the in laws who don't even want to come to their dysfunctional parties. My SIL bad mouths me and twists my words to family and friends alike. My husband never says a word because in his family no one ever tells princess she is abusing anyone. They really buy into this patronizing lie that woman = good.

So you have to ignore her big time and keep her out of your life. They will never get why she hates you for being your own person and stealing her brother from her. She wants to go back to making her brother her dog because obviously she has no idea how to be a friend. She was not taught how to do anything but act like a baby to her parents. You have nothing in common with someone who has to gossip to get attention and I'm sure she is like this because she has no friends outside of the family who HAVE to be nice to her. My Mom is in her 70s and she still manipulates her SIL who feels she has to be nice to her husband's sisters. They run her ragged but you don't have to worry about being liked by a game player. It is a game to her that you will only lose if you continue to play it.

Don't let her move into your house and don't try to get her to like you. You want to be hated by certain people who will only like you if you are a bad person. They like themselves and hate anyone who isn't under their control.
Apr 30, 2020
Rating
starstarstarstarstar 		I know what you are going through...
by: Anonymous

I really feel bad for your situation. It is unfair how your sister in law treats you and your husbands family treats you. I also have a sister in law, who is rude to me. I try to be loving to her. But she is also jealous of me. Hopefully she will never move closer to you. I have to move closer to my sister in law soon, and I am petrified. I know how it feels to be treated with disrespect. Some people just think they can be mean to others and that it wont have a effect. My sister in law,tries to get my boyfriend to join in with her, when she bullies people. And I stand up to her, and now she antagonizes me. She will flirt with my man right in front of me. You had every right to tell your husbands father that he should not say mean things to others. I would do that to my sister in law, and she did not like it. You are a good person, don't let these people get to you. If you are able, avoid them at all cost, if they refuse to treat you kindly. Hope things get better!

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Relationship and Counseling Forum.

If you would like to receive the Couples Guide Newsletter containing articles on relationships, please sign up below.

Visit  The Relationship Forum  to get and give advice on your relationship issues.

If you're struggling with your relationship, this is the place to talk about it!
Our counselors will answer your questions.
And you, our readers, can offer advice from your experience.

Eugene Kayser, MA, MFT's profile on the Gottman Referral Network