I feel like a non-person in my husbands life. He is 33 years old, I am 35. He would rather spend his days with his buddies than he would with me. I look forward to seeing him, talking to him, having dinner, breakfast whatever....I just want to be able to talk again. He'd rather text his buddy or sit on his poker game, watch basketball if he is home. He seems to always need to be entertained...ALWAYS. He is never just satisfied spending time in our home, having a nice conversation.
He tries to handle me all the time....for instance his friend is having a Superbowl party.....he obviously wants to go do the man hang out....so instead of talking to me about it, he hits me with what's your friend doing for Superbowl? That makes me feel like a thing, not a person, that needs to be dropped off somewhere so he can feel free to do as he pleases. He never asked what I wanted to do for Superbowl. I was never even a thought. It hurts deeply and it's hard to not become defensive or enraged because I am a person and I should matter.
I try to approach him calmly because I really hate fighting....but he pushes buttons that just make my blood boil....for instance I can say "hey babe, can you explain something to me....why didn't you ask me what I wanted to do for superbowl?" He starts out with the run....instantly there's something in the other room....avoidance....then there's the whole thing of sighing and rolling eyes and he always finds something to do. If he does sit down, he puts the TV on so I never have his full attention. At this point, I either give up and cry because it hurts to never see him actually want to hear my side, or I blow up because it has been building and I have had enough and I feel like I should matter more.
I am frustrated with him. I start my days making him breakfast and I put my heart into it because I want him to enjoy it, be happy...start his day out right...you know I figure maybe his day will go right for him with a good start. I clean the house and this may sound funny but it's a way I show my love. Everything I do, I do for us. It comes from my heart, but he doesn't seem to appreciate or care about it.
I am feeling like a non person and I am now questioning....does this man love me at all?
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist