not sure if I should walk out of marriage
I wanted to share my story and need inputs from you.
My husband has worked for over 7 years in US and has bought a huge expensive house for his parents in India. He is still paying EMI $3000 or more per month.
We have been married for 10 months and we have not yet discussed the financial budget as I feel it will send him a message that I am money minded and don't like his family.
We stay here in a rental apartment that too is 1 bed 1 bath while his family lives a luxurious lifestyle (3bhk flat, household help). Their expectations are high like should take care of maintenance of the house along with the EMIs,should buy many things for them (his younger brother keeps asking for iphone, branded shoes and whatnot).
They can really afford these things but want my husband to pay for them. My husband is way too polite and sensitive to say No to them. He never buys anything for him, keeps wearing old stuff, we don't have good furniture at our place. I asked for TV after 4 months of our marriage(he didn't even have tv back then) he plainly refused to do so saying we cant afford to buy a TV.
This makes me to resent them very much, how can they do such things with their own son? They know that financial conditions are not very good for us but wont stop leeching off my husband.
One thing I also want to mention that we have bedroom problems as well,he has very low testosterone levels. when I confronted him about it, he said he has financial stress. Then I told him that buying a lavish house was a mistake because it is only affecting us. He didn't say anything that time but he started to avoid telling me about any financial matters as he thought I will not like it. It is true that I wont like it but it shouldn't be kept hidden from me just to avoid a fight.
My husband is very defensive and doesn't listen to a word against him or his family. I now do not know how much money he sends back home, if has increased/decreased the amount after marriage, how much money goes into maintenance, his brother has sent a list of things to buy at thanksgiving sale which he has not shared with me.
I can't talk directly with in laws because it will be useless. If they were clueless about difficulties we are facing here then it was
worth discussing with them. But they know we live very basic life here and the financial stress also leads to troubles in bedroom as well but still wont take a step back.
I can't talk to my husband also because I don't want him to think I am materialistic, he gets upset and doesn't talk to me at all. He doesn't even care about physical intimacy because of low testosterone levels. I do not understand how to deal with this.
And now this, Yesterday my husband and I got into a fight. And he called me materialistic because I had asked for TV. I told him that TV is not a luxurious thing but he was like whatever. I couldn't afford it that time and u made me buy it.
We went on vacations 2 times, that also he asserted that TV, vacations, shopping are all materialistic things.
Why didn't u marry a rich guy or a businessman if u wanted all this?
I was hurt by his comments.I didn't ask for anything that was costly or something. Asking for TV, asking for occasional hangout, how does that make me materialistic? He was playing a victim card saying I have no money and can't keep you happy, go find someone else to make u happy.I have to pay for EMI for the house bought in Mumbai.
I don't understand what to do now. I was working at very good post and salary in India. I left that job to accompany him here in US. I am on H4 visa now. I do not want to live with him anymore knowing that he thinks of me so low. I am considering separation from him but am scared as hell. Because if we get divorce, it will be me who will get affected the most.
I will not have a job, I have lost 1 year in career which will be a huge setback. I will have to go back to India, there condition of a divorced woman is worst. Everyone will become suddenly interested in my life. It will be hard to be single again. It wont affect him as he will have his job here as before,his home. No one is going to bother him by asking questions in US.
Sorry for a long post. Please help. I called my mom today morning, then she called him but he was talking to her so nicely and convincing that my mom didn't say anything more and asked me to adjust.
I am not sure what to do. Please guide me on this.
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist