Rinse Repeat........this is getting sureal.
...........Again here I go, a place for me to rant and rave. A safe place to voice my opinions and thoughts with out be yelled at. And made to feel as though my feelings are WORTHLESS. I am going to write this not as a "letter" but more or less like bullet points..as this may get long.
OK here goes... I am in AA and very proud that I am doing VERY well considering the STRESS and NON-SUPPORT in the home I share with a boyfriend of 8 months.
I am blamed for his anger and acting out.(verbal and mental abuse)
When I voice my feelings I am ignored, laughed at, told I am wrong, told I have no clue what I am talking about.
When I mention that people in my gym, zumba class and just friends in general compliment me.. I am told THEY could care less about me.. that they have some alter plan..(wth)!
HE has an extreme jealous side... I cant wear my colored contacts.. as HE SAYS they look stupid.. when in reality he said he PEOPLE will be like ohhhh what pretty eyes... I am told I look stupid when I wear make-up.
My accomplishments are never noticed, made fun of for all the volunteer work I do.
I work out 6-7 days a week.. 2-3 hrs a day and never complimented on getting back to fit.... he is annoyed that I am losing my chest and BUTT.. like SERIOUSLY???!!
When I say something hurts me THAT HE said to me.. he says OMG CAN'T you have a sense of humor..
Demanding, extreme set in his ways.. very childish when something is just slightly off.. afraid of change.. stuck in his same routine.
Does not support me going to AA.. says it's stupid.. He does not drink.. but tries to sabotage my efforts.
Finds FAULT in everything.... NOTHING is ever
done RIGHT. Then when I tell him about it... he says I have no esteem and it's all in my head...
Blames me and others for every time he gets mad. He won't confront them... just makes me pay with my soul.
I have had some small patches of rough times.. but always rose above... yet.. HE will use that to try and DAMAGE my worth.
When I told him I feel as though what he is doing to me is verbal and mental abuse..... he said wow... what a-hole is filling your head with this insane things..
Wishes awful things on his x-in-laws... calls them names... and when he feels as though I need to be BELITTLED.. he uses the same names to TRY and damage me.
Always seems to notice if someone is looking at me..and gets annoyed...
Talks in circles to try and confuse me.....
When asked why he does not meet me 1/2 way in compromise and changes... he says he does not need changing......(WOW!)
Seems to be angry with everyone.. VERY strong words and opinions..
Every time when he is asked a question that would/could be answered with a yes/no, he answers with a question in order to AVOID answering...
ok. I could go on and on.............. OK. AM I BEING TO DEMANDING OR HARSH? IS IT ME? I AM SCARED........ as when I told him his anger scares me.... he said.. HAVE I EVER HIT YOU.... I said GOD HELP YOU IF YOU DO...... that comment haunts me.
What do people in my situation do.......? I have no resources to leave yet.... I am trying to get a plan together.......... but I will have to move far.. as he WILL stalk me..... he did it prior to dating me..a nd I just came to find that out......... please keep me and everyone in situations as such..... in your thoughts.......... I digress............
Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist