Sexless and Desperate

by Tony

My wife and I have been together for 9 years. Married for 6, with 3 children. She’s the only woman I’ve ever been sexually intimate with. I know she had a history prior to me. We’ve talked about it and she let me know some of the crazy and adventurous things she’d done sexually before we met.

I went into our marriage thinking that we’d be able to fully explore sex without shame, having fun with it and discovering different ways to please each other. But to the contrary, sex has been boring, at best. It happens for us maybe twice a month on a good month, and it’s been this way since we got married. The longest we’ve gone without sex is 4 months (yes, I counted). Turns out that her libido is ZERO! At times I feel like I’m not desired. There are times when I’m in the mood and express as much in various ways, even blatantly, but her reaction make me feel ashamed and dirty, like I’m a pervert for mentioning sex. If she’s asleep when I get in the bed, she instinctively tucks the covers under her, or sleeps with a body pillow between us.

I feel rejected 80% of the time, and 15% of the time just out right discouraged from even touching her in bed. The other 5% were rare moments during her pregnancy when she was hormonally horny, probably once each pregnancy.

I’m seriously struggling. I love my wife, and I don’t want to cheat on her. I really don’t know what to do or how to cope. I’m literally typing this sleeping on the couch because I don’t wanna be tempted to touch her and feel the inevitable rejection that follows, but I can’t sleep. Help! Advise?

Sleepless and sexless

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Feb 19, 2022
Dim futures
by: Anonymous

You have to do what you can, I suppose. A marriage vow is before your god regardless if you invite him.

I can't say what you might do but wait for her to move on the issue. She is capable and knows you are there. Setting yourself up for another slam dunk from her when she reminds you she disapproves via her sex drive toward you is not your position.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You could pray and ask that her focus be put back on you. You could ask her if she is distracted by another thing like a man or whatever.

Sep 16, 2020
Sexless and Desperate
by: Anonymous

This sound awful, since a child is in the picture you do not want to cause a decision that last for 5 minutes cost you a lifetime headache. I think as a man you should voice what is going on, and from the outside looking in are you ashamed of not having much experience as her, and you think you are going to be compared. Sometimes as women we get so focused on our outside world of our children especially for new mothers. Do something spontaneous because you never know she may be feeling the same way about you. Are there times when you have rejected her? If so, that is going to be a pattern which may want to lay to rest immediately.

Jan 13, 2020
Do the unexpected
by: Anonymous

My husband is not interested in me as well. I would say for you that sex does not always begin in the bedroom, but begins with a look a touch a gesture or the unexpected laughter that you both share. Touch her arm and then smile at her, then walk away. Compliment her or do something out of the ordinary. Get your mental state together first, then have ice cream. Become a friend before you become her lover.

Sep 27, 2019
Talk to her!
by: Anonymous

You are a good man who has needs and desires. Please open up to your wife about your sexual needs. Tell her how much you value and care for her but need intimacy to feel connected.

As a wife, I only realized the depth of my husband's sexual discontent a year after I struggled with sexual intimacy. By that point, he says he started to change and look elsewhere for his needs to be met which was devastating.

Are there things you can do to carve out special time for intimacy? Is she bogged down with household tasks? Can you support her more so she feels relaxed and loved? When did you last tell her she was beautiful?

Finding a good counselor could really help as well. Please tell her your concerns today and don't wait! This can open you up to more sexual temptation and further drive you a part.

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Eugene Kayser, lic. Marriage & Family Therapist

418 Stump Rd., Montgomeryville, PA 18936


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