She still loves me but she is no longer in love with me

by Paul
(United Kingdom)

Hi,I'm looking for advice as I can't get my head around what's happening to us.

My wife and I have been married for 27 years, we have 3 grown up children that all still live at home. Throughout our marriage we have always worked well together, rarely argue etc. I have always provided for my wife and children. My problem is that over the last 8-10 years my wife has completely gone off of any form of intimacy. We still enjoy each other's company and put each other first in everything we do but we it comes to intimacy it has tailed off to the point where she won't discuss it with me at all. She has referred to going through the change about 7 years ago as a possible reason but she will not see a doctor and will not come to a counselor with or without me. Basically she seems to have given up on an intimate relationship altogether.

For me the issue has become far greater over the last few years as I have suffered with a chronic pain issue and had several operations help resolve it. Unfortunately the illness is incurable so I have had to resign myself to being in pain for the rest of my life, unable to work etc. I have worked all my life and soon I'll be able to receive a pension early due to my illness. My position leaves me very lonely and depressed and frustrated most days, we still don't argue but I do want a cuddle and I do want intimacy with my wife who I love dearly.

She recognizes this and I've tried talking to her but over the last 4 months she has done nothing that makes me feel that she is ever going to change. She is very happy carrying on as she is and just expects me to accept this. I'm left feeling hurt and out of love. Being at home all the time is not helping me as I have so much time to reflect on the past and where we are now. I can't help feel that at 52 she has decided she doesn't want to be intimate and as a result that's it for me.

We were planning to move home in the next couple of years so I have more things I can do at home and in the garden etc and if my pain gets worse I can just stop. We both really wanted this and the children who will fly the nest at one point also were looking forward to it. I however now feel I will struggle to accept the happy home with any real loving relationship. My illness actually makes me want to shut myself off from the family and I feel I could cope if I lived alone with no pressure. It's not ideal and it would split us up as a family, finances would be really hard for us to have 2 houses for the 5 of us. So I feel trapped and I have no idea what to do. I have spoken to her several times and she is aware of how I feel but I truly believes she feels we will just carry on regardless.

I really don't know what to do next and I'm looking for some advice and experience in this type of situation.