She still loves me but she is no longer in love with me

by Paul
(United Kingdom)

Hi,I'm looking for advice as I can't get my head around what's happening to us.

My wife and I have been married for 27 years, we have 3 grown up children that all still live at home. Throughout our marriage we have always worked well together, rarely argue etc. I have always provided for my wife and children. My problem is that over the last 8-10 years my wife has completely gone off of any form of intimacy. We still enjoy each other's company and put each other first in everything we do but we it comes to intimacy it has tailed off to the point where she won't discuss it with me at all. She has referred to going through the change about 7 years ago as a possible reason but she will not see a doctor and will not come to a counselor with or without me. Basically she seems to have given up on an intimate relationship altogether.

For me the issue has become far greater over the last few years as I have suffered with a chronic pain issue and had several operations help resolve it. Unfortunately the illness is incurable so I have had to resign myself to being in pain for the rest of my life, unable to work etc. I have worked all my life and soon I'll be able to receive a pension early due to my illness. My position leaves me very lonely and depressed and frustrated most days, we still don't argue but I do want a cuddle and I do want intimacy with my wife who I love dearly.

She recognizes this and I've tried talking to her but over
the last 4 months she has done nothing that makes me feel that she is ever going to change. She is very happy carrying on as she is and just expects me to accept this. I'm left feeling hurt and out of love. Being at home all the time is not helping me as I have so much time to reflect on the past and where we are now. I can't help feel that at 52 she has decided she doesn't want to be intimate and as a result that's it for me.

We were planning to move home in the next couple of years so I have more things I can do at home and in the garden etc and if my pain gets worse I can just stop. We both really wanted this and the children who will fly the nest at one point also were looking forward to it. I however now feel I will struggle to accept the happy home with any real loving relationship. My illness actually makes me want to shut myself off from the family and I feel I could cope if I lived alone with no pressure. It's not ideal and it would split us up as a family, finances would be really hard for us to have 2 houses for the 5 of us. So I feel trapped and I have no idea what to do. I have spoken to her several times and she is aware of how I feel but I truly believes she feels we will just carry on regardless.

I really don't know what to do next and I'm looking for some advice and experience in this type of situation.

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Mar 14, 2022
Still here and no better
by: Paul

3 years on and it’s no better, my wife is more than happy to carry on and I am faced with putting up with it or moving out. Money is now an issue as my illness means I can’t work and my employer has refused to an incapacity pension but says they know I can’t work anymore. I will end up walking out. I’ve tried talking to her but she’s not interested, she’s happy with her life as it is. I need to sort my finances first, a sad way to end a 30 year marriage.

Jan 13, 2022
by: Anonymous

I feel quite ashamed for saying this but I honestly didn't think that men thought like this. Shows how much I know (I'm a woman, by the way). I wish I had some brilliant wisdom or inside knowledge but I'm sort of in the same boat with you fellas. I have no clue what to do either, I'm sorry.

Jul 22, 2020
I feel your emptiness.
by: ERG

Been married 24 years. Had a rocky start to the marriage. My wife was young when we married, and I was older. She says she has intimacy issues that go back to her childhood, and I understand it.

My wife and I have been on the rocks for about 8 years now. We had our 3rd child 7 years ago, and our other two are grown up, not necessarily gone from the house.

Sex is a huge issue for us. It's maybe once a month, and I confess I'm not the man I used to be. I have little stamina, despite trying other things to please her. Some of it is I'm 48, but much of it is her.

Here's the dilemma: She is an online gamer. For the past 5 years she has been doing it more and more. At first she was in a game room, open to all people, then when we moved she took a room by herself. We sleep apart while she games and lives in her own room.

Her closest friends are young men and a few women. She bought some very suggestive clothes, lingerie, stuff like that, and I thought that was strange for a woman who will barely have sex with her husband once a month. Well she left to visit her friends, the young men. She took her lingerie. I am besides myself right now working the possibilities out. She says it's not like that with them, but she mentioned how they have watched porno together online and she has her "toys" and lingerie.

At first I thought, OK, it might not be anything, but she basically declared she wasn't in love with me anymore several months ago and now this is happening.

If you feel like me, you feel empty. I understand it.

Oct 24, 2019
Similar situation
by: Anonymous

Pretty close to my situation. An otherwise great marriage, with a long history, financial comfortable, have same values and great family. All intimacy and romance gone. My wife blows me off when I bring up my concerns.

I need to please my wife and have and a loving relationship. I have started to resent her and pull away emotionally. We're retired and have many years left to be happy. Last thing I want to do is to screw it up but I fear I will.

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